▶ Your Answer :
Some people might think that it is natural to have meals alone in modern society. However, when it comes to having meals, I believe that gathering together and eating with families should be a priority for two reasons. First, it strengthens the bondage of families. Also, it protects family members from various contemporary mental diseases.
To begin with, eating with families is a good way for the family's bondage to harden. be hardened. People in modern society are busy due to lots of workload, so the time they spend with families becomes less and communication between them is decreasing. Having meals with families could give a time to share their daily lives. It also helps them to be united well, and improves their trust and comforts among families as a result. For instance, one survey conducted by a group of psychology majors is a good example for this. The researchers examined the mental status of 200 workers at a company in order to find out how having meals with families affects their relations. Those who have meals with family once a day are feel comfortable and trustful with family more than those who have once in a week. Besides, overall satisfaction of their family was also higher. It shows that having meals together improves the relationship among families.
On top of that, it hinders from negative mental disease. 문단이 새로 시작되는 부분이니 가급적 지시대명사보다는 having meals with family 키워드를 밝혀서 써 주세요. A lot of people in modern society are suffering various mental diseases due to the stress, loneliness, and so on. It is due to responible for the society social structure that consists of single homes. The rate of people who living alone is increasing, and it causes a lot of psychological diseases and social problems such as suicide. Spending time having meals with families could help them release their stress. 혼자 사는 사람들이 많아져서 심리적으로 사람들이 힘들다고 설명했는데, 어차피 혼자 사는 사람들은 'family meal'이 불가능하니까 family meals가 중요하다는 점을 강조하기 어렵습니다. family meals를 하지 않아서가 아니라 혼자 살아서 외로움을 느끼거나 심리적 우울감을 느낀다는 연결이기 때문에 논리를 만들기 어려워 보여요. 일인가구의 증가 내용은 논점을 흐리는 부분이니 근거 설명을 다른 흐름으로 풀어보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. For instance, my sister started her job in another city after graduation from college. It was challenging for her because it was the first time to live without family and the job was also stressful. She cried every night and suffered from insomnia. Finally, she moved her workplace in our hometown and came back to the home. She was really pleased with having every dinner with family after work, and now she becomes healthier and sleeps well. family meals를 하지 않아서 힘들다는 논리 전개가 아니라, 현대인들이 이러이러한 상황에서 family meals가 이러이러한 이점을 제공해줄 수 있으니 중요하다, 하는 식의 흐름으로 풀어내는 편이 논리를 만들기에 더 쉽습니다.
To sum up, having meals with family members often is one of the greatest ways to bind families united. Also, people can recover their positive feelings by having meals with families. In this regard, the importance of having meals with family should not be neglected.
Comment : 가족간의 유대와 정서적인 안정의 측면에서 중요성을 설명하는 전략은 아주 좋습니다. 다만 논리를 풀어내는 과정에서 ground가 부족하거나 설득력이 약한 부분들은 흐름 수정이 필요해 보여요. 수일치 관련한 문법실수가 종종 있으니 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |