▶ Your Answer :Surely, organizing surroundings plays palys a significant role in people's lives in many of the places where they work and play. Some people think that people whose rooms are organized and neat are more likely to be successful than those whose rooms are not, other do not. Both sides have their own reasons to support their views. If I had to choose one, I would say that you people whose room is clean are more likely to succeed in their lives. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, when cleaning up rooms, it helps people cultivate important qualities needed to succeed. Keeping a room clean requires people to be diligent, passionate, and self-disciplined. When they are fulfilled such traits are fulfilled, they are likely to bring a better result in their lives. For example, when my brother was in high school, he did poorly in his school. He got easily distracted, procrastinate, and acted on impulse. However, he has changed after he abiding by his dormitory room's rule. He and his three roommates set down a rule to clean up rooms once every three days. To keeping the room's regulation, my brother had to check the cleaning day and pay more care to his room's conditions. He realized that his such effort helped him work with others, while his laziness could negatively affect everyone. Naturally, he began to maintain a good behavior by organizing stuffs habitually. He got to organize his roommates' possessions which often were littered. As a result, he started to show characteristic of systematical lifestyle and perfectionism in his schoolwork. Without this experience, he would have not been able to change his laziness. In addition, when staying in a clean room, it helps people can have do well in their better work performance. Living in clean and neatly organized rooms gives people time to relax and recharge their batteries. When people recharged sufficiently, they are likely to have more power to put in their work. For example, when I was eight, I used to be lazy. All I did were only playing video games until very late at night in my messy room. My mother kept nagging for my room which looked like a pigsty. However, after I maintained my room clean and fresh, I have changed little by little. I realized that my organized room helped me relax and be refreshed, while my laziness could negatively affect my condition. With good condition, I no longer had to relieve my stress by playing video games. Naturally, I became taking care of my study and then improving my grade. Without having organized lifestyle, I would have been able to power to put in my work. organized lifestyle은 다른 개념의 이야기이니까 '깨끗한 방'에 좀 더 초점을 두고 내용을 다듬어주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 방이 깨끗해야 푹 쉬어서 일/공부 효율도 높아진다는 주장은 아주 좋습니다. All things considered, I strongly believe that the advantages of keeping rooms clear far overweigh those that of not doing this for the reasons I have mentioned. All in all, the importance of cleaning up rooms constantly can not be overestimated in people's lives.
Comment : 주제에 맞게 내용을 잘 활용해주셨어요. 다만 좀 더 주제와 관련된 부분들 위주로 내용을 강조해서 응용하면 어떨까 하는 아쉬움이 남습니다. 구조를 유지하면서 주제에 맞게 내용을 잘 활용해주셨는데, 외운 티가 덜 나게끔 크게 관련 없는 부분들은 정리하고, 방이 지저분하면 이러이러해서 내가 말하는 이점을 취하기가 어렵다, 하는 식의 요소들을 간단히 보완해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |