When there were no devices, most people probably has imagined themselves in a certain imaginary world and thought wished for the best outcome of the scenario can have. It was fun to think who is stronger, which one is faster, or what the better option is. At some points, people lost touch with the imagination. Today's topic, however, brought the interest back. Today's topic I prefer working at home to commuting to my workplace is difficult to make a choice, but if I must, Some might say working at home is more desirable than commuting to a workplace. However, I disagree with the topic for two reasons. First, working in a workplace enables people to learn how to cooperate with each other. Second, people can have a strong relationship.
To begin with, working in a workplace can be more beneficial for people because they can learn how to cooperate with each other. As people work together, they can work efficiently and skillfully because they can have get a chance to better solve matters than work alone (I would rewrite this sentence this way: When people work together, the efficiency and the skill generated from the people are increased as they are working as a group rather than as an individual). Since they can learn how to solve various problem from other people on workplace, they can be more productive. For example, when my father was working worked in his home. He he was not good at work productive because he worked always always worked alone. However, after commuting he started to commute to a workplace, he learned how to cooperate with each other others and eventually, he could solve problems from through other people's supportive effort supports and got a lot of accomplishments on his work accomplished a lot of things. it It had such a huge influence me that I made me believe working on in a workplace allows people to learn how to cooperate each other.
In addition, working in a workplace encourages people to build a strong relationship. By commuting to their workplace, people can have make a friends because they can have a chance to meet the same people regularly. Since they can meet often, workers can build a strong relationship with each other and make a number of friends. For example, when I was working in my home and I was a programmer I once worked as a programer in my house. I had no friends because I worked always alone. However, after working on my when I started to work at a workplace, I can have had a chance to meet, commute, and work with same various people from my field and eventually I could make a number of friends. This helped me build a strong relationship with other people. The example clearly illustrates that working on in a workplace enables people to build a strong relationships.
Not having other necessary factors to imagine it was difficult to make a choice. However To sum up, I decided to disagree on the topic it is more beneficial to commute to a workplace than to work at home as working at a workplace not only enables people to learn how to cooperate with each other, but also helps people build a strong relationship with others. Not only is first factor working on workplace enables people to learn how cooperate each other important, but the second factor working on workplace allows people to build a strong relationship I decided to present is crucial. Had it not been for the essay, I never could have had a chance to consider these factors to prove its point.
노란색 부분은 필요 없는 부분들입니다
Introduction을 보면 글쓴이께서 hook을 사용하시려고 노력하시는 모습이 보였는데요, 토플에서는 간결하고 주제와 연관된 hook을 원합니다. 기기가 없을때 상상을 한다는 주제와 연관이 없습니다. 또한, Introduction에 어떤 것을 선택해야 할지 고민한다는 그런 부분 쓰면 안됩니다. 토플은 간단히 두가지 조건 중에 한가지를 선택하여 그에 대해 잘 쓰시면 됩니다.
a, an, ...s 등 단수 복수 조심해주세요
주장을 뒷받침하는 2가지 이유가 좀 약합니다
cooperation과 relationship은 매우 연관성이 강하기 때문에 비슷한 내용의 문단 두개를 읽는 느낌이었습니다
수고하셨습니다