■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : If parents wish to see their children succeed in life, they should set strict rules for them. |
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▶ Your Answer :
There is a famous story about a devoted mother: “the mother of Menga moved their home three times.” She had never stopped moving from one place, such as near the local market, to another, such as near the high-staged educational institution, until she found a educationlly perfect place. Likewise, it's a nature of parents that they want to be helpful to their children, so some of them are willing to set strict rules for their children. I believe that the rules are necessary for success of the children for the following reasons. First of all, parents' advice can reduce time and effort to be consumed, which lead their kids much closer to success. 이 문장 이해 안 갑니다. What parents say to their children is usually a kind of wisdom that comes from their personal experiences or from their logical deductions based on their knowledge. Furthermore, since children tend to choose the same field of jobs of their parents, the prescription would be really beneficial for them. For instance, my sister is studying occupational-therapy and my mother is a nurse. Most of her friends had a really hard time finding jobs in hospitals, but my sister did not due to the pressure having been given by my mom since she entered her university: to go volunteering work regularly and hand in reports about it to mom. Most of hospitals seemed impressed her work-related career during the school years. Were it not for my mother's teaching, she would have the same hardships with the ones that her friends are undergoing. Next, the absence of strict rules can ruin kids' lives. In other words, children can behave freely and they do not discern which one is a good behavior and which one is bad, good and bad behavior 입니다. 그리고 they can not이나 may not으로 적어주는 게 좋습니다. do not이라고 쓰면 너무 단정적으로 보입니다. without strict rules set by their parents. Let me give my brother as an example. When he was 15 years old, my parents did not apply any strict instructions to him because they strongly believe in him. However, he forgot everything important and spent his valuable times hanging around with his friends and following the prevalent but meaningless fashion. He still regrets it until now since he thinks that he ended up wasting his adolescent times. If my parents gave him a strict rule about dealing with his daily schedule, he would not regret it as much as he now does. In conclusion, parent's wisdom and advice are invaluable for their children because they are better aware of their lives than their young kids are and they can prevent the children from acting in a bad way. In this regard, I firmly believe that children should be educated by their parent's strict rules.
우선 전체적으로 문장/문법 오류가 정말 많은 편입니다. paragraph의 첫 문장의 경우에는 주장의 의미를 집약적으로 말해줘야 하는데 그렇지 못 한 것 같아 아쉽네요. 그리고 표현을 공부할 때 표현만 외우지 말고 이게 문장에 실질적으로 어떻게 쓰이는 건지를 공부해야 표현이 내표현이 되는 겁니다.
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시간이 초과됐는데요.
어느 부분을 줄여야할지 같이 코멘트해주시면 감사하겠습니다!
댓글로도 조언 받아요! 부탁드립니다:D