A lot of people have opinions that arenas
for playing sports are not necessary for university students. However, in my
opinion, it is important to students to have sports programs and areas. This is
because playing sports helps students’ health and the area for playing sports
is good for major in sports. So, the universities have to spend money on
sports.
Spending money on sports can help
students to improve their health care system. If the school have has more sports
arena, students can enjoy sports in the arena. The universities also can make a
lot of sports programs. The programs will be able to improve relieve relieving students’
stress and help to helping their sedentary lifestyles. According to the Korea
University’s research on sports programs in the universities have shown that
the university students that have diversities of sports program have the stress
less than 5%. In another side, the university students that don’t do not have programs
have stress almost 61%. So, it is necessary to spending money on sports arena
and programs.
Sufficient financial on sports is also
helpful to students who major in sports. The sports places are always insufficient
to students who major in sports. The universities have to care their students
regardless of students’ majors. For example, my brother who is basketball
player is always worried about the arena. This is because the university has
insufficient environments for students who are sports players even though he is
the university student. The universities must have welfare for students who
major in sports. 이 부분은 너무 에세이가 짧은 거 같습니다. 짧기 때문에 핵심적인 내용이 빠진 거 같습니다. 왜 체육을 전공하는 사람들이 체육 시설에 대한 중요성을 필요로 하는지에 대한 설명 뿐만아니라 실용적인 체육환경이 주어지면 이러한 사람들에게 어떠한 영향을 미치는 지에 대해서 도 설명하는 것도 좋을 거 같습니다.
To sum up, for students’ health and students who major in sports, it is
inevitable to fund on sports. In this
regard, I strongly agree with the statements that the universities have to
spend money on sports, not on a library.
Good: 24~30
점수: 24
일단 전체적인 에세이는 논리적으로 풀어나갔습니다. 특히 이러한 부분은 첫 번째 바디에서 가장 잘 보여주고 있습니다. 첫 번째 바디에서는 왜 학교가 체육시설에 대해서도 돈을 투자하는지에 대해 자세하게 이해할 수 있도록 서술이 되어있습니다. 하지만 이와 다르게 두 번째 부분은 많이 설명이 부족한거같습니다. 체육 전공을 하는 사람들에게 왜 시설이 필요하고 효과는 무엇인지에 대한 설명이 부족한거 같습니다. 이러한 부분이 외에는 전체적으로 문제가 되는 부분이 없습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.