▶ Your Answer :
Some people might think that having a lucrative job is better than having a job that you can enjoy. However, in my opinion, having a job that makes you happy is better idea. This is because, in my case to be happy is the entirely purpose of the life and you may save your money people happy is better for the following two subsequent reasons (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다).
First of all, having a fitting job with you makes quality of your life higher and makes you happier people's life can become happier. To explain, in my perspective, every people is working and living to be happier than ever and every people is dreaming the better future that makes you pleasant. works and lives to become happier to become successful. The eventual purpose of life is being happy is to become happy. People can feel pleasant when they are doing what they like and enjoy. If you are doing a job that is not fitting to you may make you be stressful and painful. people feel stressful if the job is not pleasant This is because, you do not have any purpose People do not have any purpose (this is because는 적절하지 않는 표현이 아닙니다) and can not feel achievement about the work you do not have interest even though it is lucrative job. For example, my sister worked in the designer team of car company. She worked their because she can earn abundant money even though she does not have any interest on car. At that time, she got lots of stress and quit the job and found out the new job which cares jewelry. After working in new company, her pay got lower but her feeling got better and happier.
Second, you may save your money on releasing stress one can save money. To specific, many workers who have a job that they do not enjoy spend abundant money on unnecessary shopping and activities to burn out their stress. But, if you have a job that you enjoy, you would not get stress relatively. Even you got stress and concerns from you job, you could find out the solution of the problem that you faced and then you can feel better and get confident. Using the example I already said on upper passage, my sister had a problem from her work in her new job too. However, while she had only stress in her past company and she spent a lot of money of shopping like too many clothes and beauty items, she enjoyed her problems and figured out the solution and enjoy her job more and more. This is because she has interest on her job and really enjoys it.
To sum up, if you have a job you enjoy, you do not gain lots of stress from it and it can makes your life happier. In this regard, I agree that it is better to have a job that you enjoy to do rather than a job with high income.
점수: 22 지금 이 에세이는 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 있습니다. 먼저 첫 번째 오류는 독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다. You는 에세이로 하여금 구어체로 만듭니다. 따라서 주의하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째는 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 표현들은 에세이로 하여금 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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