▶ Your Answer : These days, the impact of education on children is considered highly important. Some people argue that learning only the major subjects such as math, history, science and language is essential and other subjects that those are unnecessary. However, I think art and music should also be included to the mandatory school subjects. as the mandatory school subjects for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, art classes and music classes can help children develop their interest on art and music. To illustrate this idea better, I would like to discuss my personal experience. When I was five years old, I was not interested in art at all, since I have never even heard about it. However, my life changed right after my kindergarten teacher introduced some artists to me and my friends at the kindergarten. Impressed by the paintings done by the artist named Dickenson, I started to draw as much pictures as possible; this eventually made me to decide my career, an artist. If I had not received the education of art at the kindergarten, I might not have been interested in drawing. Same thing applies to the music subject; because of this, I think art and music should be the mandatory subjects.
Next, early education of art and music help the educators to discover the talents of children. For example, Mozzart, the most famous composer on the world, received music lessons since he was very young. Giving music lessons to Mozzart, Mozzart's teacher found out that Mozzart was notably talented; as a result, Mozzart could continue his life as a musician. Not only that, one research showed that over 70 percent of people who are presently working on music field responded that they have been taught music subjects at school since they were children.
To sum up, children should have art and music as mandatory school subjects along with other major subjects because of two reasons. First, the education of art and music can foster the interests of children. Not only that, it helps the educators to identify the talents of children.
Fair: 17~23 점수; 21 너무 예시 중점인 에세이인거 같습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 부분을 차지하는 것 중에 하나는 설득력이 얼마나 좋냐 입니다. 설득력을 높이기 위해서는 자신의 이유에 대한 구체적인 설명이 아주 많이 필요합니다. 하지만 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우에는 설명은 작고 너무 예시에만 초점을 두고 에세이를 서술한 거 같습니다. 특히 두 번째 단락에서는 한 줄만 얘기하는 것 처럼 너무 설명이 부족합니다. 설명을 더 길게 서술해 주시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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