▶ Your Answer :
Some people argue that young people are
better to choose should choose a same job as their parents. They probably think that people
can easily learn from their parents. However, in my opinion, new field of job would
provide young people many advantages for two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, people are apt to be
familiar with their parents’ working environment because this is the only story
their parents have been telling them about. However, by choosing a different job,
it is evident that they would get experiences of different world and wide
perspective people can not only broaden horizon but also experience different perspectives. For example, my mother was painter and she taught my big brother how
to paint during whole his childhood, but he wanted to become a pianist in which
he was deeply interested, thus he did as he wanted. He now has broad knowledge
of both art and music (뭔가 좀 더 부연 설명을 하셔야 할 거 같습니다 다른 직업을 선택하면서 어떤 장점들을 얻게 되었는지에 대한).
On top of that, family can also get merit
from various job of members. In people’s life, there are many moments to pay much
money for purchasing to purchase services. With many different jobs in one family, every
member can help each other and it is followed by money saving. I read an article
which introduced a success story of family business introducing a story of family business. The family’s parents worked
as cloths seller in a market, and they had three sons who have grown up by
seeing their parents struggling in working. They hence decided to choose a job to
help their parents, first one have studied management, second became designer
and third has chosen to be accountant. This is how the “Kim’s closet” was
founded without any others, but by the only family itself. This family shows us
how diversity of jobs makes the monetary value.
To sum up, young people can experiment
different part of world and can be helpful in their family when they choose a
different profession from their parents.
점수: 22 일단 첫 번째 단락 예시 부분이 아쉬웠습니다. 예시 부분에 있어서 좀 더 구체적으로 부연설명을 더 하시는 거 같습니다. 개연성이 없이 결과를 보여주고 끝난 예시인 거 같습니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 이유 자체가 주제와 벗어난 거 같습니다. 가족들과 다른 직업을 갖는 장점과 연관성이 많이 떨어지는 거 같습니다. 이 두 부분을 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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