▶ Your Answer : Infringing people's freedom might be sounded sound strange. However, it needs in particularly these days. The reasons are that it can make lower crime rate and can make society stable it should be needed nowadays for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, without suppressing people's freedom the city might be become massed. Because people can do what they want to such as drug, fight or so as people commit everything on their will. However, if there is confining the people an infringement of freedom, cities might be peaceful become peaceful. For example, think about if there was no law in society. The city will be full of drunken people and offenders. Now you can think that how the law is thankful and infringing people is not so bad. (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다) On top of that, putting the people in boundaries can make society stable. For example, one year ago in South Korea, there was no restricting about people can eat their foods at public transportation eating food at the public transportation. But However, now, citizens can not eat their foods in a bus or subway. This made public transportation more clear and stable. In a nut shell, people can be opposed their liberal but they might have safety and peaceful city. In this regard, I firmly believe that infringing people's freedom is sometimes acceptable.
점수: 21 전체적으로 내용이 많이 빈약한 독립형 에세이입니다. 각 단락들이 너무 짧아서 그런지 이 이유들을 통하여서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 파악하기가 너무 어려웠습니다. 내용이 짧은 것 뿐만 아니라 전체적으로 문법적 오류들과 어색한 표현 때문에 자신이 말하고자 했던것이 명확하게 전달이 되지 않았던 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |