▶ Your Answer : Some people think that the most effective way for a country to progress is to strengthen the army or to revitalize the economy. However, in my opinion, the urgent way for a country to success is to improve its school. Because improving education gives rise to increased people's total ability to manage the task and development of several techniques. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 설명할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 굳이 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
To begin with, Improving education will leads to rise the people's talent. lead to increase in talent (will 뒤에는 동사 원형 입니다) Let's divide the people into two groups. The one group is made up of the people who got high quality education and the other is made up of the people who couldn't learn enough could not learn (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다). Which group do you think is more reliable to do something? Maybe almost people would think well-educated group is doing better. Between two groups people think the well educated group can do better. Actually, the former group is good in doing their task. For example, many companies afford far much money on high-educated people rather than giving money on low-educated people. We know that companies do whatever they can to maximize profits. So, it means that the person who are well educated is more competent.
On top of that, The invention of some techniques including scientific development is emerged by people's knowledge. the invention of technology improves the human brain. As human history was, useful theories and amazing devices we are using nowadays would not be created if it were not for the support of education. For example, What would happened if Newton or Einstein didn't learn math and physics. There are no lights which have brighten up whole of the world, no car and so on.
To sum up, Developing education is useful to arise people's ability and to promote some techniques useful for us. In this regard, I assert that improving its school is the best way for country to progress.
점수: 21 일단 주제를 숙지를 하지 않았다라는 느낌이 많이 드는 독립형 에세이입니다. 이 에세이의 전반적인 주제는 나라가 발전하기 위해서는 교육이 우선적이여야 한다에 대한 에세이인데. 정작 각 단락에서는 교육이 왜 나라의 경제를 발전시키는 지에 대한 설명은 아예나오지 않았습니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이는 주제를 벗어났습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |