▶ Your Answer : Relaxation is an
important part of life because it enables people to endure hard time. Some
people simply think that spending time with friends or family is the best
method to relax and relieve stress because people can talk their troubles to
them. However, I believe that having time alone is the most ideal way to relax
since people do not have to struggle to communicate with anyone and can
concentrate on themselves. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 말할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 굳이 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
First
of all, when people are alone, they are not required to make an effort to talk
with other people people do not have to spend time on talking with other people. When people stay with others together, people make a
communication by talking, listening and making gestures. It prevents people
from getting even more stress of communication. For example, James, one of my
high school friends, was an extroverted student, so he could not endure a quiet
time when he was with other people together. He was always eager to make a new
subject that his friend and he could talk together. However, when he went his
home and leave alone, he did not have to squeeze his brain to bring up new
topic to communicate with his friends. In this regard, people feels feel (people은 복수 주어 입니다) comfortable
and relaxed when they are alone because they do not have to communicate with
others.
On
top of that, people are able to focus on themselves rather than others when
they stay alone people can focus on themselves. When people have time staying alone, their main concerns
become themselves. It tends to deter people from being distracted by others and
make people recover from stress. For instance, Jenny, my neighbors, was so
polite that she had to make a full attention to speaker when she talked with
others. It made her be considered as a nice person by speaker, but she felt
stressed since she had to fully focus on the speaker. She could not feel
relaxed or comfortable when she was with other people. On the contrary In contrast, when
she was in her own room, she did not have to listen carefully to someone else.
She could focus on herself by meditation, which helped her to understand
herself other than outside environment. It enabled her to relaxed and relieve
stress from relationships. If she had not had time alone, she could not have
been able to focus herself and relieve stress
To
sum up, people can relax by having time alone because people are not forced to
continuously talk with other people and are able to focus on themselves.
Consequently, it is better to stay alone when they need relaxation.
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이는 전번적으로 예시가 주제와 전혀 관련이 없는 거 같습니다. 특히 이러한 부분은 첫 번째 단락에서 크게 보여집니다. 첫 번째 단락 예시 같은 경우는 전혀 주제와 관련 자체가 없습니다. 주제와 관련이 없는 것 뿐만 아니라 개연성 또한 부족하여서 예시가 왜 나왔지? 라는 의문이 들게 합니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이에서는 좀 더 예시를 주제와 연결시켜서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |