▶ Your Answer : Some people think that direct advertising toward children is not bad and they can not stop because that advertising have freedom of expression.I agree to that freedom,too. However,I believe that direct advertising toward children of 2-5 years age is not good and it should not be allowed for following reasons. First of all, children can not distiguish to bad advertising and good advertising. Children of 2-5 years old is so young and they can not think deeply, so they accept natually (문장 너무 어색합니다. paraphrasing needed) .The children have wrong perpectives and that give some effect to children's life.For example, I was 5 years old, I watched some direct advertising of toy and I wanted so much that toy and have wrong think that girl color is pink and boy's color is blue(toy이야기 하다가 갑자기 남자는 파랑을 좋아한다로 가기에는 인과관계가 약간 부족해 보입니다. 이럴때는 toy 예를 다 끝내고 나서 색깔에 대해 이야기 하는 게 좋은 방법입니다) .So, I thought strange,when my friend ,who is girl,like blue or wored some blue cloet.I did know that behavior what leanrn in direct advertings is wrong, Today I change that think and I am so embrrased that. Therefore,I disagree direct advertising toword young chilren. (일단 기본적인 어휘나 문법도 틀린 부분이 너무 많습니다. 가장 기본적인 be 동사나 문장 structure까지 오류가 많은 편이니 주의해서 작성해주세요) In this regard, they does not have ability to distinguish bad advertising. Second,direct advertising make young kid's parent to spend unnecessary money. Direct adverting show some toy or things for young children who do not have deeply think.So,they talk their mother and father to buy that and their parents say no,they cry with loud voice.Then thier parent buy that because they make their children to stop crying and they spend unnecessary pay that use other valuable thing in stead. In this regard,parent spend unnecessary money because of direct advertising toward children of 2-5 years old. To sum up,I believe that direct advertising toward chlidren of 2-5 years old is not good and it should not be allowed.First,children can not distinguish to bad adverting and good advertising and that make childen to have wrong perspective.Furthermore, direct advertising make young children's parent to spend unnecessary money.Consequently,the importance of my view cannot underetimated for some reasons that I mentioned above.
To sum up, I firmly believe direct advertising towards children should not be allowed for two reasons. The first if that some advertisement might give children wrong perspectives and the second is that it can make their parents to spend extra money. conclusion은 이렇게 고치는게 더 나을 것 같습니다. 다만 두번째 이유는 paragraph로 쓰기에는 약간 부족한 감이 있었던 것 같습니다.
에세이에서 가장 중요한게 어휘, 그리고 그 어휘를 결정하는게 spelling인데 spelling오류가 정말 너무 많습니다. spelling은 한번만 읽어보면 다 고칠 수 있는 건데 이렇게 보니 복습하지 않고 제출 하신 것 같습니다. 다음부터는 spelling오류 한번 체크하고 내 주세요.
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