■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
|
|
▶ Topic : For a success in a future job, getting along well with people is more important than studying hard.
|
|
|
▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, success in the future plays a significant role in people`s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that getting along well with people is more important traits than studying hard for a success in a future job, while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that getting along well with other people is more important one of characteristics than studying hard for a success in the future job, while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. There are several reasons as follows. To begin with, getting along well with others can help people improve their work performance. Getting along well with others enables them to relax and recharge their batteries. When people are recharged, they are likely to have more energy to put into working and being active. For example, my youngest brother did poorly in high school. He got distracted easily, procrastinated, and acted on impulse. However, he has changed little by little after spending time on playing with friends after school. He realized that spending time on playing with friends helped him recharge his battery and refocus on his school work, while studying without break could negatively affect his concentration. He started to maintain a good behavior by raising his grades in school. He showed characteristics of a longer attention span, a stronger passion in his tasks, and a better ability to delay gratification. He was able to excel all throughout high school and go to top university. Without getting along well with friends, he would have fallen behind. In addition, when people get along well with people, it can contribute to an increase in their overall happiness. After a long day at work, playing with other people gives them a chance to experience something different from what they would do in their usual routine. A new experience tends to prevent them from feeling bored in life. For instance, when my sister was in high school, she often felt depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting routine. To survive in a competitive world, she spent the whole day studying all academic subjects, hoping that she could outdo others. Fortunately, she was able to deal with such pressure and stress in a safe way by spending her free time playing with others in a baseball club. By doing this, she was able to let off some steam. If she had not gotten along well with others, she would not have been able to escape her boring life. All things considered, I strongly believe that advantages of getting along well with others in the future job far outweigh disadvantages of that for reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of getting along well with others cannot be overestimated in life.
|
|
점수: 27/30
1. 반복되는 문장이 너무 많습니다. 검토를 통해서 걸러내주세요.
2. 그리고 studying hard의 advantages/disadvantages에서는 잘 언급이 되어 있지 않습니다.
토픽이 두 개의 옵션을 제시한 만큼, 두 개를 비교하는 것을 최우선으로 삼아주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
3. 너무 템플릿에 의존하는 것도 별로 좋지 않은 방법입니다. 자신만의 언어로 에세이를 쓰려고 노력해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*