▶ Your Answer : Quality of people's life is largely dependent on developments of technologies in many fields. With this view, I believe that technology has made the world a better place to live for some reasons. In diverse of field, techology has improved life quality.
First, we can get high quality of medicine or medical service according to development of technologies. this includes those of medical, diagnostic, and medicine fields. (이유에 대한 구체적 설명을 하고 난 후에 예시로 넘어가시길 바랍니다) For example, Malaria was once an incurable diseases, which had brought about large death rate in the world. However, it is possible to completely cure Malaria now. In markets, we can see a lot of medicine for Malaria treatment. Recently, vaccine for this disease is available in a local clinic, though this type of infectious disease is highly adoptable and mutate against vaccine substrates. This improvement has been supported by development of medical technology.
Second, we can save a lot of time and energy due to the development of transportation technologies. In the past, we should spend long time to arrive another city by a train or a bus. In my experience, I me and my family annually went to Busan city for Korean thank-giving day. Every time when we went to there, we had to suffered being tedious for a long time suffer a long time to reach. In present, however, we can arrive in Busan in four hours. This is undoubtedly thank to the new developed high-speed train, KTX. We are living where many convenient thing are in.
In short, I believe that technology has made the world a better place to live, where we can be 1) healthier and 2) more convenient.
점수: 21 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 존재하고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째는 이유에 대한 구체적 설명이 많이 부족합니다. 이유에 대한 설명이 끝나지 않는체 바로 예시로 넘어가는 경향이 있는데 주의하면서 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 전반적으로 내용면에 있어서 빈약함이 많이 보여지는 독립형 에세이입니다. 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 각 단락에서 좀 더 구체적으로 자신의 주장을 설명하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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