▶ Your Answer : Some people believe that colleges and universities must not help students prepare preapre job. However in my opinion, schools must do for a job preparing for students. There are two reasons; fFirst, earning is so musch important in today'`s society. Second, our society at the present is serious competition society. First of all, making money through job is so important. In the materialistic society, money is sometimes regarded as one'`s power. If you have no money, you will be considered as a loser and be ignored. There will be no place to stand in this world. We cannot deny the fact that other pleasures of life can be filled by having enough money to spare. Due to the fact that students are living this society soceity, schools should help students get a job. For example, in my university, my university helps students look for a job. There is the department of job and career in my school. Many students go this department and meet experts who have professional knowledge sophistication about different jobs. Moreover, students are educated about writing and presentation, which are important in various workplaces. Second, there is a hard competition about getting a job. To survive this society soceity of endless competition, people ought to be ready for having a job. In the case of job search, everyone is aware that seeking a job is like a camel passing through the eye of a needle nowadays. One'`s ability can be clouded by other'`s abilities so in order to stand out, a person must have information about companies. For example, there was a poll conducted by the board of labr, with 500 employers as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand with consensus about knowing information about companies in today'`s society. The majority of respondents replied that knowing about companies is so important to get a job. The reason was that companies like applicants who know their company because the companies think that the seeker has to have love about company. To sum up, concerning the importance of money and to survive in this society of competition, I firmly hold that colleges and universities must help students get a job.
Fair (17-23)
서론 -철자 오류 prepare -어순 오류. for 을 뒤로 빼주시는게 더 적합합니다. 학생들을 '위해' 이므로 학생들과 가깝게 써주세요. -; 뒤에 고유 명사 아닌 이상 대문자 쓰지 않습니다. -철자 오류 today -문장 부호 오류 ` 아니라 '입니다.
첫번째 본문 -문장 부호 오류 -철자 오류 society -수 일치 -sophistication about jobs 는 어색한 표현입니다. 바꾼대로 써주세요. -마지막에, writing 과 presentation은 이 문장에서 처음 나온 내용인데 이것에 대한 설명이 없어서 뜬금없습니다. 따라서, 이것에 대한 설명을 덧붙이시던가 삭제해주세요.
두번째 본문 -철자 오류 -조동사 ought to 뒤에 메인 동사 필요합니다. (be) -마지막에, ~해야 한다고 생각한다는 문맥이므로 has to 넣어주세요.
철자 오류/ 문장 부호 같은 실수 개선해주세요. 또한, 내용면에서 말씀드린 부분들 보충해주세요. 이유나 설명은 괜찮습니다.
수고하셨습니다~~ |