▶ Your Answer :
People's intellectual, social, and personal
development is highly influenced by social interactions.
With this understandings, I believe that
the best way to relax and reduce stress is working out (Do you mean "Working?") with close people such
as families and peers for two reasons. This is because working out with close
people enables people not only to forget about their problems but also to and strengthen their social interacting skills while spending time alone can put
them under depression.
Spending time (with whom or on doing what?) prevents people from enjoying a
better quality of life by putting them under depression.
Interestingly, a renowned social scientist
in South Korea published an article in "The Korea" last Sunday which
claims that Spending time alone when people need some relax can lead people to
be depressed.
My
own experience demonstrates some of the disadvantages of spending time alone for
relaxing. When I was a high school student, I had a lot of stress due to a
countless assignment from the school. However, I didn't know how to escape from
the stress at that time. So, I just spend spent time alone. But spending time alone
could not let me relax. I thought about gloomy things and darkness more and
more.(Wrong grammar structure)
This experience demonstrates some of the
drawbacks of spending time alone for relaxing.
On
the other hand, working out with families and friends enables people to relive
their stress and strengthen their social awareness.
Understanding the importance of the
interaction with others and the potential role of working out is necessary to
substantiate this view. (Why's that?)
Working out provides meaningful opportunities
for people to connect with their families and friends.
Essentially, working out promotes people to
openly intermingle and freely exchange their views and ideas with one other.
Such intercommunication builds a platform (for what?) not only to express one's disposition but also to absorb the perspectives of
others, allowing people to become more socially aware. (Give an example)
To
sum up, I believe that it is the best way for relaxing to working out close
people. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for
the reasons I have mentioned before.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 1 | Score | Limited 5-10 | - 각각의 문장이 자연스럽게 연결되지 않고 따로 떨어지는 느낌이 듭니다. 그 때문에 coherence와 delivery가 현저히 미흡해지고 있어요. 또한 글에서는 writer 가 어떤 주장을 펼치고자 하는지에 대해 파악하기 어렵습니다
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