Some people would say that always telling the truth is harmful to in maintaining relationship between people. However, I have a different idea. I believe that it is considerably important to always tell the truth to others. There are two reasons for this these.
First of all, it is consequential (단어 선택이 조금 어색합니다 important로 해주시면 좋겠어요) for people to tell the truth in considering relationship between people because they can obtain trust. If people have a conversation with people frankly without false information, it is easy to get trust from them. In society, the people who are regarded as honest person people can succeed in the competitive society because they are more likely to maintain positive relationships with others. For example, there are is a famous car salesman in my country South Korea. He always try tries to give factual information and real his honest thoughts to customers. So, the buyers can support trust him easily, which and this leads to an resulted inincrease in of sales. (과거형으로 해주시는 것이 더 좋을 것 같아요 - He always tried to give factual information and his honest throughts to customers. Thus, the buyers trusted him easily and this led to an increase in sales) This effect indicatesthat the more genuine the persons is, the more successful their business is. genuine people are more like to be successful.
Second, always telling the truth is the most significant factors in any relationships between people since they can socialize with lots of friends (연결이 약합니다. 솔직하지 않아도 여러 사람들과 'socialize'하는 것은 가능합니다). Philosophy that people Always telling the truth to others can make them socialize with new friends easily (이전 문장과 내용이 반복입니다) This means that most people prefer frank persons people because they feel more comfortable talking to them. For instance, when I was a middle school student, I had predisposition of frankness (어색한 표현입니다). Thanks to this characteristic, other people opened up to me easily. So, I was able to become intimate with them. At that time, I felt that it is very important to have characteristic that I always tell the truth. To sum up, always speaking truth to people is very important consideration in maintaining positive relationships between people with them because people can meet new friends easily and succeed in society life easily
Score: 15 Comments: - 전체적으로 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다. - 제시하신 이유에 대해서는 조금 더 강한 설득력이 필요합니다. 특히 솔직함+성공할 확룔의 연결에 있어서 더 논리적인 설명이 필요합니다. 본론1에서는 무작정 솔직한 사람들이 대체로 더 성공한다라고만 나와있고 왜 그런지 논리에 대해서는 설명이 없습니다. - 본론2 토픽 센텐스가 아쉽습니다. 'socialize with others'는 'become friends with others'와 의미가 다릅니다. 솔직하면 조금 더 많은 사람들과 'socialize'할 수 있다고 이유를 잡아주셨는데 이것을 납득하기가 어렵습니다. 'become close to others', 'become friends with others'등으로 표현을 대체해주시는 것이 좋겠습니다. - 그런데 본론1과 마찬가지로 설득력이 부족합니다. 상대방이 본인이 거짓말을 하는지 솔직한지어떻게 알 수 있는것이죠? 내용에서는 '만약에 거짓말이라고 들통날 경우에는 치명적일 수 있다'등 이와 같은 표현이 나왔어야 된다고 생각합니다. 조금 더 구체적이고 명확한 설명이 필요합니다. - 문법 실수가 있습니다. 첨삭 내용을 참고해주세요. - 어색한 표현이 있습니다. - 문장을 So로 시작하지 말아주세요. Thus, Therefore, Hence, 등의 연결어들을 사용해주세요. |