▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that improving schools is not a good way to progress the country. However I strongly disagree with this above statement by for the following two reasons. First, higher education can make our economy strong. Second, good quality of education can make our country more mature (어색한 표현입니다). First, improving schools can build make our economy more powerful. This is because people who receive a good education from schools can enhance the technology significantly which can later become a major strength of the country and it can be strength of our country. For example, our (쓰시지 않는 것이 좋습니다 our country 대신 Korea 등 국가를 써주세요) country used to be the a developing country as a result of the Japanese colonialism area and a civil war. Although damages were serious all over the country, we Korea tried to recover as much as possible we could. The first action was providing education to children. The Korean Ggovernment promoted to children to go to school the importance of education and invested money in improving schools. As a result, when they (government를 받고 있습니다, 대명사 대신 children으로 써주세요) grew up they were dedicated to our economy by their knowledge what they received from school (어색한 표현입니다). Due to their efforts them, our economy have grown developed immensely. Before long, our country can be the advanced country in fifty years. Second, investing in the schools can make our society mature (어색한 표현입니다). I think that school is a small society. So It is a place where we can learn about proper behavior social norms and values by getting a better education. This allows them (무엇을 받고 있는지 알 수 없습니다) to play a great role in society. For example, when I was an elementary student, I usually ignored the traffic signal when I crossed the street. This is because I was not educated about the traffic manners. After that my school decided to teach the students about traffic manners in order to improve their programs (어떤 프로그램인가요?). Due to program, I realized that my behavior was wrong and it caused serious problem to me or other people. So I and never did it again. To sum up, improving the schools is the important our country for making to make a good society and enhancing enhance our economy. In this regard, I personally disagree that improving schools are is not a good way to progress the country.
Score: 13 Comments: - 단락과 단락 사이에 엔터로 스페이싱을 넣어주세요.
- 전체적인 구조는 잘 잡혀있습니다. - 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. - 문법 실수들이 있습니다. - 예시가 큰 비중을 차지하고 있습니다. - 포인트1과 포인트2의 차이점을 정확히 알기가 어렵습니다. 서로 많이 다른 포인트를 제시해주세요.
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