■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
|
|
▶ Topic :The most important investment that can be made to the education of children aged four to seven is giving them a computer.
|
|
|
|
Some people think that the computer is not the most crucial investment for the education of the young children. However, I have a different idea. The computer is today's most influential materials to educate children. Firstly, computer promotes children to interact with friends. Secondly, they can easily get the information from the computer.
To begin with, computer can allow children to build a close relationship with peers. cComputer contains various activities that even young children can enjoy without any problem. For instance, my cousin has the young children aged ages of 4. He enjoys the computer games, animation, and various programs on his computer. and so on. Playing games builds the same interests between children them and they can freely exchange ideas and views also in order to win the game, in which they can learn the way to cooperate cooperation and communicate with each other effectively. 4세-7세 아이들이 '서로' 컴퓨터 게임이나 프로그램에 대해 대화를 나누면서 친해진다는 설명은 설득력이 좀 약해 보여요. '같은 팀'에서 게임에서 이기기 위해 서로 대화하고 협동한다는 내용은 굳이 컴퓨터가 아니더라도 가능한 부분이므로, 이 설명도 주제와 동떨어진 내용입니다. These experiences are very important to the education of children because the social skill is the foremost required ability abilities in the recent society. Based on this experience, the children can make the close relationship with other people.
For instance, yYoung children can develop crucial skills required in the society by using the computer. Understanding recent society's property and the potential role of the computer is necessary to substantiate this view. Due to mMany fields and workplaces of the recent society needs the data-based technology and abilities. They communicate and deal with a task depend on the computer process and several programs. It can promote the people to concentrate on work more comfortably. Moreover, the iInternet is most important to obtain different information. Hence, if the young children learn the way to handle their computer, it will be very helpful for the build of the career. 마찬가지로 4-7세 아이들의 교육과는 크게 관련 없는 내용입니다.
To sum up, computer enables children to make a strong connection with peers and develops proper skills required in a lot of workplaces. In this regard, computer is essential educational materials for young children.
Comment :
주제가 묻는 것은 '4-7세 아이들의 교육 측면에서 컴퓨터가 좋은 역할을 해줄 수 있는가'인데, 현재 답안은 4-7세 아이들을 고려한 답안이라고 보기에는 어색한 부분들이 많습니다. 모델에세이를 응용할 때 topic에 맞는 요소들을 보완해서 논점이 어긋나지 않도록 조심해주세요. 4-7세 아이들에게 좀 더 초점을 둔 답안이 되도록 내용을 재구성해보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2/5
An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우)
- Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우)
- Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task
(설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우)
- A noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms (부적절한 단어 또는 형태의 사용)
- An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류)