▶ Your Answer :There might be some people who believe that parents should have strict rules for their children to make them succeed in their life. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. First, children can be stressed out. Also, it is not good for relationship between parents and children. >space
To begin with, it can be stressful to children when they are under strict rules their parents set. Being stressed and tired, children lose their motivation and cannot concentrate well on at their work. Having lLifestyles which are fit to each child children, they can be refreshed children and help them focus better on at work. 각각의 아이들에게 맞는 라이프스타일이 좋다는 설명은 '엄격한 규칙'과는 아무런 관련이 없습니다. 엄격한 규칙이 어떤 면에서 스트레스를 주는지에 대한 설명에 더 초점을 맞추는 편이 나을 것 같아요. According to the recent research done by Korea uUniversity, 80% of the respondents said that the more parents have strict rules to their children parents, the more stressed out the children are. They added that because they could not do what they wanted due to disagreement of their parents when they were young, the efficiency of doing their other work such as academic work decreased. 원하는 것을 하지 못하도록 부모가 '반대'한 것은 엄격한 규칙과 조금 다른 개념으로 보입니다. 엄격한 규칙 때문에 스스로를 억제하거나 억압된 분위기에서 지내는 것이 스트레스를 많이 주었다는 식으로 흐름을 풀어내는 편이 더 자연스러울 것 같아요. This clearly shows that if parents are too strict to their children, children can be stressed out. >space Secondly, it is harmful to the relationship between parents and children for when parents to set strict rules for their children. to relationship between them. If parents are too strict to their children, they can be stressed out. Stress makes children very sensitive and agitated, which is not a very good time for being to be with their parents. Stress makes children act and talk unpleasantly and might cause a conflict. Let me bring up my personal story as an example. When I was in high school, my mother set my study schedule and I could not do anything she didn't allow for me. I even didn’t never had have any break time, and I studied 7 days a week. At first, I followed her rules and it was effective on my academic performance. However, as time went by, I was too much stressed for my hectic schedule and I was upset to my mother, which made make me not speak to mother for a long time. If she had not set that strict rules on my studying, I would not have ruined the relationship with my mother at that time. 스트레스를 준다는 내용은 본론1에서 제시한 부분이므로 겹치는 부분이 없도록 논리를 풀어주세요. 관계에 좋지 않은 영향을 미치는 이유로는 다른 설명을 충분히 생각해볼 수 있습니다. 또한 주제가 묻는 것은 '아이들을 성공하게 만들기 위해서' 엄격한 규칙을 적용하는 것이므로, 설명 과정에서 성공과 관련된 요소도 함께 제시할 수 있어야 합니다. >space In conclusion, I strongly believe that parents should not set strict rules for their children if because they want them to succeed.
Comment : 아이들이 너무 많은 스트레스를 받고 부모와 관계가 안 좋아질 수 있다는 주장들은 모두 reasonable합니다. 하지만 이 내용을 설명하는 과정에서 관련이 없는 요소가 많이 들어가거나 중복되는 내용이 들어간 부분들은 수정이 필요해 보입니다. 또한 기본적으로 '아이들의 성공'을 문제에서 질문했으므로, 설명 내용은 모두 '자녀의 성공'과 연결된 흐름이 필요합니다. 내용을 더 다듬어서 주제 반영도가 높은 답안으로 발전시켜보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 어색한 표현이나 문법실수들도 꼼꼼하게 봐주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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