Some people think that the best use of the time when parents cannot spend a lot of time with their children is to do things that are related to schoolwork together. However, in my opinion, it is better for parents to use that time having fun playing games or sports. This is because schoolwork is not that important, and parents can become psychologically closer to their children by doing something like sports or playing game.
To begin with, I think doing something together makes a great bond with others creating a positive and strong bond among people. We can easily imagine that if a child could not see his or her parent frequently and the child can meet them on next Sunday, then what does child expect? He or she would think about it all time, and expect to do something with his or her parents, but I am sure that the thing is not schoolwork. (구어체 + 질문형 문장이 사용되었으며 이전에 펼친 주장과 연결되는 문장이라고 보기 어렵습니다) The expectation is hanging out with them. Parents should spend limited time with children, doing things they love. If parents follow the child’s expectation, they could strengthen the bond with children that they could not do. Obviously, schoolwork is important, but if parents could not see children frequently, and they should choose how to spend their time with the children, then there is no more crucial thing than doing something what children want.
구체적으로 왜 "아이들과 노는 것에 시간을 투자해야 하는지" 에 직결된 이유가 나와 있지 않습니다.
1. 제한된 시간에 아이들과 제일 관계를 깊게 형성할 수 있는 활동을 택해야 한다
2. 아이들은 주로 노는 것을 좋아하며 부모님과의 스포츠 활동을 통해 학교에서 받은 스트레스 등을 해결할 수 있다.
3. 부모님들이 자녀와 함께 놀 경우 1번과 2번을 해결할 수 있다.
등 논리적으로 흐름이 이어질 수 있게 내용을 구성해주세요.
Let me give an example. For instance, my father is always a busy person, even when I was a kid. What I want to talk is that I could not see my father’s face since I used to meet him once per month. It is a little bit terrible for a young kid and there is a possibility that I could fall in a problem with him. (왜 fall in a problem인지?) However, he dealt with this very well. He played soccer and basketball with me as frequently as possible. I believe that his behavior made a kind of bond into our relationship between my father and myself.
To sum up, if parents cannot have a lot of time with their children and want to spend the time valuably, then they should do what their children want to do. In this regard, I believe the best way to use that time is to have fun playing games or sports.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC | ORGANIZATION | PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE | LANGUAGE USE | GRAMMAR |
FAIR | LIMITED | LIMITED | LIMITED | LIMITED |
각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD |
- argument가 제대로 형성되어 있지 않으며 2개 이상의 이유를 제시하지 않았습니다.