▶ Your Answer :
Some
people think that universities should use their funds to improve food at
university cafeterias. However, in my opinion, this money should be used to
support social activities for students. There are several reasons and examples
as follows.
To
begin with, the interaction between among students takes an important role in improving to improve
their adaptability in the society. They learn the skill though participating in
diverse social activities at in universities. For example, when I was in the first grade
in of my university, the school had a festival which included many performances.
Among these performances, I participated in the dance which the first-year
students and senior students arranged together. To arrange the performance, I
met my friends and seniors every week for two months. Prior to the experience, I
was not comfortable with people who were older than me. However, after the festival,
having relationship with people elder than me is not that hard to me. After
all, this helped me to get along well with my supervisor in the company well.
On top
of that, active social activities by students are good for the fame of the
school. If student communities and student groups are active, they plan a lot
of events. People who go there will aspire to attend the schools, which influences the popularity of the schools. 논리 흐름을 더 강화해주세요. '학생들의 social activities'가 대학의 명성에도 기여한다는 점을 설명해야 하는데, 단순히 '다른 사람들이 오고 싶어한다'로는 설득력이 약합니다. 사실상 대학에서 학생들을 위해 '투자'하는 개념이니 재학생을 기준으로 삼아서 그들에게 학생식당 음식의 질을 높여주는 것보다 social activites의 기회를 더 늘려주는 것이 중요한 이유를 보여주는 편이 주제 반영도 면에서 더 유리합니다. For example, a few years ago, the university I
attended had a variety of social events every year. However, recently there is few events at the school. This is because their fund was mostly used to increase
the employment rates. Although the rates became higher, the applying rates to
the school plummeted because the school’s popularity for teenagers became much lower.
In
brief, I firmly believe that the advantages of funding the social activities
far outweigh the disadvantages for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in
all, universities have to support their students to interact with each other on in
the campus.
Comment : 주제가 social activies에 투자하는 것의 중요성만 물은 것이 아니라 학생식당 음식의 질 개선을 함께 물어보았으므로 그에 대한 내용도 어느정도 다루어주는 것이 좋습니다. 기본적으로 social activites와 school cafeteria를 두고 비교하고 있으므로 '재학생'에게 초점이 가는 이점으로 답변하는 편이 주제 반영도 면에서 더 좋다는 생각이 듭니다. 주제에 맞추어서 내용을 더 발전시켜보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
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