▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that young people at the present are independent compared to the past from their parents. However in my opinion, today`s young people are more rely on their parents than the past`s one. There are two reasons; first, the young people in the modern society live in competition society. (So that?) Second, in the materialistic society, they have to gain financial assistance.(Then?) First of all, to survive in this society of endless competition, young people at the present need to depend on their parents. In the case of seeking job, everyone is aware that gaining job is like a camel passing through the eye of a needle nowadays. One`s ability can be clouded by other`s abilities so in order to stand out, a person must gain parents` assistance. For example, my brother is seeking for a job currently. To gain a job in the South Korea,young people should have foreign language score like TOEFL, TOEIC test or certification about computer skill, and so on. In order to get these condition, they need a lot of money. My brother also rely on my parents. (State result of it)
Second, today`s young people need more money compared to the past. In this materialistic society, money is sometimes regarded as one`s power. If you have no money, you will be considered as a loser and be ignored. There will be no place to stand in this society. We cannot deny the fact that other pleasures of life can be filled by having enough money to spare. For example, there was a research about young people`s education costs. The researchers examined education costs in a family, every 10-year. In the research, As a result, the education costs had increased readily. The reasons were that the society`s price had became higher than the past. The research demonstrates that young people have a financial burden and need financial assistance from their parents.
To sum up, due to the fact that today is a severe competition society and materialistic society, young people at the present depend on their parents compared the past.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | Score | Limited 10-17 | - 첫 번째 단락의 내용이 끝마무리가 맺어지지 못하고 종료되었네요.
- 두 번째 money로만 언급이 되어 있는데 financial support때문에 의존성이 높아진다는 점을 정확히 명시하여 주세요. - 전반적으로 스펠링 에러가 많은 편입니다.
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