▶ Your Answer : There are so many problems about low-cost people, who are failed at getting an occupation and older people who live alone. To solve their hardship the government has ve to set a various policies. In the middle of that, I believe that creating e more jobs for the unemployed is the best ways. There are several reasons. First of all, creating e more jobs for the unemployed can include other options that the topic suggests. It can be a means to earn some money for whom wants to feel sense of belonging in a company or work place. In addition, they can have credit to to find new house for rent. When they are not in work, they even cannot can not borrow house because bank does not don’t admit it. Maybe someone does not don’t agree about it because these jobs are not high paid. However, I think for who really want to step out from their house, this is the best policy to restart. Secondly, as I say helping old people in daily life is the same. It means we can handle this problem with creating more jobs. The most crucial matter in our society is old people who live alone. They are usually have no occupation so it is connected to help them finding a job. We can help old people in varous ways such as cleaning their house, being a friend or getting some food. On the contrary, it has limit to on solve the fundamental problem. If they re are not paid by employers employee, their budget for living month what is given by government is too short. Moreover, in work place they can hang out with new people and it has effect on removing e their feeling of loneliness y. For these reasons, I believe the most essential policy is creating more jobs for who have no occupation. This policy can handle other choices, and also, it can be a basic of improvement of our society.
Fair (17) 서론 -people에 대한 설명이므로 who 절로 묶어주세요. -모음앞에는 a-->an -단수는 has -create이 주어로 쓰였으므로 동사형이 아닌 동명사 creating으로 써주세요.
첫번째 본문 -수일치 오류 -철자 오류. 방법은 mean이 아니라 means -cannot은 붙여 씁니다 -축약형 지양해주세요. 또한, bank 단수 이므로 don't--> does not
두번째 본문 -파란 부분 이해하기 어렵습니다. -have 동사 있으므로 are 빼주세요. -철자 오류 there-->they -철자 오류 employee:직원, employer:고용자 -앞에 이미 동사 has 쓰였으므로 remove동사형-->removing동명사 -feeling of 명사 로 써주세요. lonely-->loneliness
결론 -,로 문장 두개 못 잇습니다. and 넣어주세요. 또한, ,는 and 앞에 넣어주세요. 그리고, 뒷 문장에 주어가 없으므로 it 추가해주세요. 내용면에서, 이 옵션이 다른 것을 포괄한다는 이유 하나와 이것이 좋은 이유 하나를 써주시면 더 좋습니다. 이것 자체의 시행으로 다른 것보다 더많은 유익을 불러온다가 더 설득력있는 이유입니다. 따라서 무엇을 포괄하는지 두본문에 걸친 설명보다는 한 본문은 포괄 문제 이외에 다른 유익을 써주세요.
문법/표현 면에서 아주 많은 연습 필요합니다.
수고하셨습니다~~
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