▶ Your Answer : In modern society, there are some countries which are successfully achieved rapid development. For example, Korea succeeded in to developing economically for last half a century. It is an interesting issue that too much fast development has impacted society negatively, since the answer of each people can be very different by their perspectives. A large number of people might say that rapid development has positively affected society. Contrary to popular belief, I firmly believe that it did not have much benefits to society. As too fast development widens gap b between generations and deteriorates the environmental problem, so it is hard to say that there are advantages of rapid advancement. First of all, rapid advancement has brought about much larger generation gap gab. Older people are not familiar with leading-edge technology and new culture of young generation. Therefore, young people thinks that elderlies do not understand their perspectives. Their key values are too different with each others, and they sometimes clash each other in some political issues. For example, there was a huge political confliction in Korea last year. Older people argued s that small violation in democracy is necessary for economic growth, while young people claimed s that it should not be happened. Since the experience and culture between two generations are too different, each of them could not stand others viewpoint. This example demonstrates that too rapid growth has led to friction between each generations caused by different experiences. Thus, it is safe to assert that unadvised development can influence society negatively. In addition, abrupt development has destroyed the environment. To be specific, a lot of factories were built and much more resources were used. This caused lots of environmental problem, such as air pollution and resources exhaustion. As a result, some problems became really serious, such as global warming. As environment is the base of our life, it is a crucial factor to save the environment to sustain quality life. For instance, according to research of the Ministry of Environment of Korea, the problem of microdust has become more and more significant. The fraction of dust in atmosphere has increased since 1960s, when the rapid development of Korea started. Nowadays, this problem is too harsh so that people cannot go outside sometimes. This research shows an example of unwilling result that unadvised advancement evoked.
Good (24) 서론 -밑줄 친 부분 불필요합니다. 서론이 너무 깁니다. -achieved 있으니 are 불필요 -succeed in 명사 구문 / 문맥상 과거 succeeded/ develop-->developing 동ㅁㅇ사 -수일치 -철자 오류 gab-->gap
첫번째 본문 -advance-->advancement 명사로 바꿔주세요. -철자 오류 -수 일치 -elderlies x-->elders -confliction 없습니다. -문맥상 과거이므로 argue-->argued, claim-->claimed, 수일치
두번째 본문 -명사 앞에 관사
두 본문 다 내용 괜찮습니다. 서론 내용 줄여주시고 문법 오류들/철자 오류들 연습해주세요. 수고하셨습니다~~
In conclusion, it is an undeniable fact that rapid development brings about social and environmental issues which are not easy to solve. Therefore, I strongly believe that steep advancement has influenced society negatively. It should be considered to slow down the rate of development to keep important things. |