▶ Your Answer :
There is an argument over whether or not the Earth is being
damaged by several human activities. Some people believe that human activities
are just a little part of the Earth, so it is not harmful to the Earth that
much. My view, however, is that people have had tremendous negative impact on
the Earth and there are two reasons which I will explore in the following essay.
To begin with, cars for human’s mobility emits harmful gas
to the atmosphere such as carbon dioxide. The more carbon dioxide is generated generates, the
higher the temperature of the Earth is. As the Earth temperature is getting
high, it results global warming which affects to both the health of the Earth and
human both. To be specific, the summer is getting longer and hotter more and
more these days. According to the New York Times, a well-credited journal in
US, global warming makes human to live hard because of not endurable weather and
even affects to the Earth making high seae-level and so on.
On top of that, recreation facilities for human leisure time
usually destroy the nature. There are a lot of activities human can enjoy using
the nature such as skiing, swimming at a big water pool, and fishing. People need
to make facilities for enjoying those activities, and most of them destroy a
big area of nature. It causes deforestation and extinction of animals. For example,
there is a huge waterpark with lots of fun facilities especially the highest sliding
and the biggest swimming pool in South Korea. People needed a wide range of
land to build the waterpark and they chose the national park where were not
visited well by people but valuable for various kind of animals. This is a compelling example of human activities that destroyed the Earth.
In conclusion, the Earth is affected negatively by human
activity for their convenience. The Earth is losing its healthy climate and
many kind of animals. So for these reasons, I strongly believe that people
should stop destroying the Earth.
Fair (19-23)
첫번째 본문 -carbon dioxide가 generate 했다고 하는 것은 어색한 표현입니다. 발생 되었다는 수동태적 표현이 더 자연스럽습니다. -수 일치 -both A and B로 쓰는 것이 더 좋습니다. -철자 오류 see-->sea -어떤 인간 활동이 어떻게 지구에 영향을 끼치는지에 대해 더 자세히 써주세요. 이 본문은 결과에 대한 내용에 너무 초점이 맞춰져 있습니다. 왜 carbon dioxide가 나오고, 왜 global warming이 되고, 등등 본문에 나온 결과들에 대한 요인들에 대한 설명이 없습니다. 단순히 human activity 이상으로 설명을 해주세요.
두번째 본문 -명사 앞에 관사 -병렬이므로 desforestation (명사) 따라서, extinction(명사)로 써주세요. -마지막에, 동물에게 가해진 안좋은 영향 추가해주시면 좋습니다. 또한, 인간 활동으로 인한 악영향임을 강조해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~
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