▶ Your Answer : It takes a lot of money to become an artist, and it often takes more money to work as an artist which takes a plethora of money. However, government doesn't does not (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) have obligations to financially support them because artists' effort is not very necessary for country, and artists often tend to get money by themselves or get help from other people when they work. (그래서 본인의 주장이 무엇인가요? 주장이 나타나지가 않습니다)
Government's purpose is to take care of country and citizens in country, not supporting specific careers. To begin with, government's role is to take care of country citizen It has to solve social problems, manage country's relationship with other countries and so many other issues managing the relationship with neighboring countries. And it needs a lot of money. In addition, there are many people who needs need (people는 복수 주어 입니다) financial support than anyone else, such as poor people or retired people. Helping them will be more helpful for society. There was a poll conducted by 200 Seoul National university students who are majoring in sociology. They asked 200 people that what kind of people should have financial assistance to help country's economic problems. The result was that 60 percent of people replied extremely poor people and retired, or disabled people who can't live daily lives should have those assistances. This indicates that artists don't have critical impact on country. do not have an impact on the society.
Also, artists often don't need economic support to continue their lives as artists. Furthermore, artists do not need the assistance. Most of them earn their money on their own. In order to achieve their dreams, they get their money from family, or sometimes friends, and even they get it while they're doing part time jobs. As a result, people who have talent succeeds as an artist succeed to become an artist (people은 복수 주어 입니다). And as many people appreciate their work, they get assistance from them and they also impact their country's image naturally. Thus they don't need government's help. To give an anecdote, my friend wanted to be a pianist. So she got a lot of support from parents and showed her talent. As a result, she became good player. She says that she didn't need support from government, although she got scholarships from school. And she says that many other students majoring arts and music don't get special support from
For these reasons, I think that artists don't need additional support from government. When they succeed as an artist, they will have good influence on their society and thus they can support government indirectly.
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이는 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 많은 에세이입니다. 에세이가 어색한 표현들이 많다 보면 자기가 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠는 듯한 느낌을 줍니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 고치는 것 밖에 없습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |