▶ Your Answer :
Some people might say that the world
considered extended families significantly extended family is still important. However, I believe that the
importance of extended families has been decreasing remarkedly for the
following two subsequent reasons. decreased significantly for the following two subsequent reasons.
To
begin with, people regarded extended family as a huge burden extended family has become burden. To be specific,
extended families were highly common in the past. There were many families that
lived with grandparents, cousins, or aunts. However, it is now different. As the
world become busy and hard to make a living has become busy, people started not to have a
family or just live with only their spouses. to avoid extended family. For example, a report published by
the Korean Economy Association in 2015 talked about this phenomenon. This report
compared families in 2005 and families in 2015 regarding how they consist of
their family. In 2005, most family lived in one big house with grandparents,
while modern family inhabited in middle size house and had 1 or 2 children
without relatives. The main reason was that the breadwinner had to work late
and even got another job in order to make a living for extended families. Also,
they did not want to be under the financial pressure. Therefore, they did not automatically
want to have large families, and many household started to prefer small
families.
On
top of that, there are limits if people have extended families a lot of limits can be found. Imagine that
you have an extended family. It is highly doubtful that you have free time and money
to do what you want. You might spend all of your time and money on your family. Imagine that people have an extended family, they do not have time to spend own valuable time so people put less value on extended family (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다) The only key to live for your own life would be to have a nuclear family. For
example, I will take my friend, Dohyeoung Kim. He is a father of 3 children and
son of old mother. He always said that I must have a small family if I want to
save money for the future and spend your time on what you want. My friend
always spent all salary on their children’s private education and rent fee for
his large family. Also, he does not have time on weekend since he takes a walk
with their children on every weekend and holidays. Ultimately, he is hard to
consume his money and time for his own life. If he has a small family, he might
have had more time and money.
To
sum up, an extended family are is (an extended family는 단수 주어 입니다) just considered as a burdensome thing by people.
Moreover, time and money will be restricted by an extended family. In this
regard, I can assuredly say that it is a rational opinion that a nuclear family
is extremely better than an extend family.
점수: 25 일단 전체적인 내용면에 있어서는 논리정연하게 자신의 주장을 잘 보여주고 있는 거 같습니다. 각 단락의 구체적인 설명과 적절한 예시 사용은 에세이로 하여금 자기가 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지를 잘 보여주는 거 같습니다. 하지만 지금 이 에세이가 가지고 있는 문제점은 어색한 표현입니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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