▶ Your Answer : Absolutely, smart phones seem to play a momentous role in people's daily lives in many couple of hands of (말이 되지않습니다)students. Some people argue that it is more beneficial for students to use a smart phone for the convenience, while others do not. Both aspects would have their own grounds to maintain their perspectives. In the condition that I was asked to agree or disagree on the topic of whether smart phones are beneficial for students, I would like to mention that having no smart phones is preferable to students owning smart phones.(문장이 너무 깁니다, 조금더 단순하게 말해주시길 바랍니다.) There are a few reasons following. To begin with, when students are given smart phones, they would cause many health problems to students. There are two kinds of health matters than can be caused by smart phones. One is spine bending., to be specific, students' spines would be bent as students have to incline their head to see smart phones. For example, my youngest sister used to go to school using smart phones while taking a subway and even when walking on the road. As she always bows her head whenever she goes anywhere wherever she goes, she got prepossessed diagnosed(가 더 자연스럽습니다)with a serious body matter called "neck disk". Neck disk is a phenonmenon that occureds when there is a problem in spine.(정의를 애기 하지 않아도되지만 굳이 하실거면 더 정확하게 해주세요.) Following bent spine or neck bone matters leads to ceaseless tiredness. She is now regretting her behavior in the past. The anothero other is vision. Students tend to use smart phones for a couple of hours when they begin to take out their phones from a bag. long periods of time everyday, Utilizing phones for a long time refers to watching the screen of the phones for a long time. Every smartphone screens not only in smart phones but also in TV emits a kind of radiation that cannot be seen in a naked eye. A little screen radiation is fine for people. However, if eyes absorbed too much screen radiation, there will be harmful impacts on their eyes such as seeing vaguely. Without smart phones, no health problems will be happened.(문법 오류 주의해주세요)(Without smart phones these health problems would be reduced significantly). is harmful to the eye. Without smartphones, these health problems would be reduced significantly. (너무 불필요하고 길게 쓰는것을 자제해주세요, complex한 문장과 불필요하고 부정확하게 늘려쓰는 것은 다릅니다.) Moreover, when students are offered smart phones, they may not concentrate on studying. There are many kinds of contents found in Internet. Due to the development of technology skills, smart phones are also being impoved highly as the time flows.(불필요한 내용입니다) Children Students these days have a tendency to search only about a indecent picture or extremely horrible videos. inappropriate content. Those impressive inappropriate contents remain in children's memory space for a long period.(근거가 부족한 논리입니다) Human's brain structure tend to keep the extreme memory for many years. Such dirty videos would cause students to continually think about only those pictures while studying. (전체적으로 어색한 문장입니다, 뇌의 구조 논리는 너무 모호합니다 팩트가 정확하지 않는한 과학적인 논리 제시하지 않는게 좋습니다.)Such disturbing visuals tend to linger longer in the memory, interrupting students' studies. 로 바꾸주세요.) Adults always emphasize the importance of studying for the future and the college. Studying is undoubtedly thought to be the duty or the responsibility of students. (어른들이 학생들에게 공부가 중요하다고 생각하는 점은 문맥에불필요한 내요입니다.) In a word, (한단어로(x)) To sum up, bad scenes in smart phones do not help students study, but make them be distracted with studying. (앞 내용과 중복됩니다) For example, my older cousin brother once had a concern to problem watching horror movies which because it was only accessible to adults. However, as he was too crazy about scary things, (불필요합니다) Therefore, he decided to watch horror movies by doing someting bad in illegally on the Internet. After he kept watching those scary videos, his score at school started to drop sharply. He was scolded by his parents every day everday leading to depressed atmosphere of his family. (자연스럽지 못하고 불필요합니다, This lead to a decline in his studies 만으로도 충분합니다.) To summarize, I strongly believe that smart phones should not be provided to students for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the harmful influence of smart phones toward students cannot be rejected with anything.(말이 되지않습니다. 스마트폰의 해로운 영향은 학생들에게 무엇과도 거절당할 수 없다라고 써있습니다.)
Score: 11 Comments: - 큰 구조는 잡혀있으나, 문단 속에서 구조가 맞지않습니다. - 불필요한 내용이 너무 많습니다. 요점을 정리하시고 단순하고 효과적으로 전달하는 방법을 연습해주세요. 아니면 문단을 쓰고 다시 읽어서 삭제할 부분들을 찾아내주시길 바랍니다. 150에서 225 글자로 쓰는것이 효과적이라고 문제에 제시되어있는데 500 글자가 넘었습니다.
- 문단 2는 논리에 맞지않는 근거가 나타나 전체적으로 어색했습니다. inappropriate content가 뇌 구조 때문에 계속 떠오른다기 보다 그저 자극적이어서 떠오른다고 하는게 더 적절합니다. 굳이 과학적인 근거 제시해주시지 않으셔도 됩니다. - 문법 오류는 많지 않지만 틀이 잡혀있지 않아서 복잡하고 읽기 불편합니다. - 내용을 정리하는 연습을 많이 해주시길 바랍니다. |