▶ Your Answer :
It is of great worth to discuss whether or not university should increase the salaries of university professors to improve the quality of education. While some people might agree with the statement, others might disagree with it. As far as I am concerned, I agree with the notion that increasing the professors’ income helps to enhance the quality of education in university for the following reasons.
First of all, learning from teaching by the unqualified professors is too stressful stressed out for students. The important reason is that students would feel unsatisfied and unhappy when the professor gives insufficient the unready lectures. This situation will stress students out. In fact, stress is one of the primary factors of illness through weakening the immune system. Thus, students will feel like taking the class is a waste of time and are more likely to be mentally and physically weak. A few weeks ago, I had a chance to read an op-ed piece that was related to the topic. It described the result of a survey conducted by Seoul National University in 2015. In the survey, 43 percent of students in Seoul National University suffer adverse health effects from the stress caused by unprepared classes. Additionally, 75 percent of all doctor’s office visits are for stress-related ailment and disorders. Interestingly, researchers found a relationship between stress and human disease such as headaches, high blood pressure, and insomnia. In this sense, it is healthful for university students to increase professors’ salary in terms of improving the quality of education. 학생들이 질이 낮은 수업을 들으면 스트레스를 받는다는 내용은 교수 봉급을 올리는 것과 직접적인 관련이 없습니다. 교수의 봉급을 올릴 때 '왜' 수업의 질이 높아지는지를 설명해야 주제와 관련성을 보여줄 수 있어요. 스트레스와 질병의 관련성이나 학생들의 스트레스는 부차적인 부분이기 때문에 이 내용에 초점이 가면 논점이 맞지 않는 답이 됩니다. 주제와 직접적인 연관을 보여주는 내용을 main idea로 제시해서 흐름을 만들어주세요.
Moreover, increasing salaries of university professors promotes them prepare the class more enthusiastically. This is mainly because this aspect causes professors to be responsible for preparation of the class in order to provide students with good quality of the class. Thus, it can be an effective facilitator which motivates the professors to participate in themselves. They will make more effort, concentrate more, and feel responsible for what they do. Therefore, this brings about better quality of education. For example, my brother, a high school teacher, used to be negligent and lost interest in his job. However, since he quit quite the job and became a private tutor with high salary, he has changed little by little. He stared to spend more time working and had enthusiasm for teaching. The reason was that the private high school spent spend more money on income of teaches than the public schools.
To sum up, it is better to spend sped more money on salaries university professors for students in order to improve the quality of education. For these reasons, I agree with the notion that university should provide professors with higher salaries to reinforce the quality of education.
Comment : 모델에세이를 응용하는 과정에서 논점이 어긋난 부분들이 좀 생긴 것 같습니다. 본론1의 경우 교육의 질이 낮으면 왜 안 좋은지를 설명하는 데 초점이 가 있기 때문에 off-topic의 답안이 될 가능성이 큽니다. 교육의 질을 높이는 데 있어서 교수 봉급을 올리는 것이 왜 좋은 방법인지 설명해야 하므로 이 부분에 초점을 둔 주장을 다시 만들어보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 시제일치와 어색한 표현도 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |