▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that due to the increase of quality of life and scientific inventions, it is easier to keep their body healthy than the past. However, in my opinion, I do not agree with this idea concerning the fact that we do not exercise and do not have healthy eating habits. To begin with, although working out is very important importan for maintaining to maintain our health, due to the comfortable inventions such as cars and elevators, modern people do not move themselves. Some people walk only one hundred steps a day because of their cars. Also, they do not need to ascend stairs due to the elevators. If they can not exercise in their daily life, they must exercise in gyms. However, they do not have enough time to go to the gyms because they are very busy working. to work. I will take my father as an example. When he was young, he had to walk more than one hour to go to school, due to the lack lacking of transportations. Besides, he had to do the labor after school, for example, climbing mountain to gather bushes. Therefore, he did not need to exercise and he was healthy and thin. However, nowadays he is utilizing his own car and sits on the chair in his office all day, thus he is not healthy anymore and he is obese. Due to the fact that thesedays people these days do not exercise, it is more difficult to keep their health healh than before. On top of that, 현대인들이 제대로 된 식습관을 갖지 못해서 과거보다 건강유지가 어렵다는 main idea를 먼저 소개해주세요. it is most important to consume proper quantity and quality qulity of foods to maintain healthy. Imagine that if we eat two McDonald's Mcdonalds’ hamburgers and a whole pizza before going to bed. sleeping. Would it be possible to maintain health healthy? It is highly doubtful. 자기 전에 기름진 음식으로 야식을 먹는 습관이 '요즘 사람들'의 일반적인 특징이라 보기는 어렵습니다. 비약적인 가정보다는 좀 더 신빙성 있는 내용으로 설명을 연결해주는 것이 좋습니다. The only way to be robust would be to have a good eating habit. Nowadays it is very easy to access unhealthy, fast foods and it makes us obese. This is because of busy and competitive life in the present. According to a result of a study conducted by Korean Institute for Health and Social Affairs to determine factors affecting health in age twenties to forties in Korea, an eating habit was the most significant variable. People who have bad eating habits, for example, eating fast food or eating rapidly, can not preserve their healthy healty life. In this regard, I strongly believe that it is much harder to keep healthy life than the past, taking the lack of exercise and eating unhealthy foods into consideration.
Comment :
운동과 식습관을 중심으로 내용을 구성하신 점이 아주 좋습니다. 설명이 비약적으로 흘러가거나 비슷한 내용이 반복되는 부분들을 정돈해서 설득력을 높여준다면 더 좋은 글이 될 수 있을 것 같아요. 오탈자와 문법오류가 많은 편이니 꼼꼼하게 체크해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |