▶ Your Answer : "To be (with child) or not to be (with child)" A lot of parents are struggle with their childern struggle with their children because the time parents can utilize is limited (주제를 벗어 난 거 같습니다 이 에세이는 아이들이랑 놀아야하는 지 아니면 학교 숙제를 도와줘야 하는 건지 애들이 있어야 하는지 없어야 하는 지에 대한 에세이가 아닙니다). Playing with their children is good for children relationship, and parents are able to enhance sociality of their children. However, I firmly believe that parent should spend lots of time playing games or activities with their children for the following reasons. (여기서 however가 나왔는데 앞 문장과 똑같은 의견이기 때문에 however보다는 나의 의견은 이거다 라고 하는 것이 더 나을 거 같습니다)
First of all, children are more likely to learn sociality from parents by playing sports or games learn more social skills by interacting with parents. Socializing is the most important quality for children because sociality is basic element of society to survive in the society. If children who do not learn sociality in young age such as 3-4 years old, they are more likely to struggle with make friends because they do not know how to make peer or classmate do not learn how to interact with other people, they can struggle in terms of making friends. For example, when I was a child, I spent most of my time alone because my parent was so busy for their works.I was not able to spend time with my parent. I went through really hard time because I did not know how to make friends and how to treat them. So, I spent whole time with video games and game friends, but that experience was really disadvantage for me. Therefore, parents should spend time with their kids as much as possible to improve their sociality.
Second, parents can build strong relationship with their children by playing video games or sports. Strong relationship with parents and their kids have became important. If parents do not spend lots of time with their kids, children are more likely to feel lonely and fear. Moreover, theses emotions have affected to children mental harmfully because if children left in the home alone, they feel lonely and fear from their imagines that parents are not coming back from work such as car accident or fire. For example, when was a child, I stayed home with my brother. when the clock pointed 9'o clock or 10'o clock, I started to imagine solution such as what should I do, if bad guy invade my house. I was really scared and feel lonely To sum up, parents should spend more time to their children because kids are able to learn sociality, and parents can improve mental health of children. For these reason, I firmly believe that parents should spend time as much as possible to their kids. If parents do not spend time with their kids, there is only bad things for children. Children needs care because their are children.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 이 에세이를 읽어나가면서 느낀 것은 첫 번째 이유와 두 번째 이유가 비슷합니다. 둘 다 아이들이 혼자 있으면에서 나오는 이유들입니다. 비슷한 경향을 가진 이유들로 에세이를 서술하는 것 보다는 서로 다른 이유를 사용해서 서술하는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 또한 전반적으로 문법적인 오류들이 보입니다. 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시고 문법적 부분에 있어서 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |