▶ Your Answer : There are a plethora of things I wish I could change about my hometown. There could be influx of more young people, reducing cars, or creating skyscrapers. But if I were to choose one, I would pick making more parks and green spaces as one. There are two main reasons for this and I will explain it further on my essay. However, if I were allowed to change home town, planting trees can be most appreciate development for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, parks and green spaces purify polluted air and provide us clean one instead providing clean air The pollution of air, and especially, so-called "fine dust" is becoming a detrimental social problem these days The fine dust has become a detrimental social problem. Research result shows that if the area of green space are increased in a city, the atmosphere's pollution decreases the increase in green space leads to decrease in pollution. Trees are so beneficial because they absorb some particles which can be harmful to our health like CO and Benzene and emits oxygen instead and emits oxygen to the air. However, my city should have built more parks, but they rather have degenerated and got rid of the green belts in the city to build more buildings (너무 설명 없이 갑자기 자신의 얘기로 넘어간거 같습니다. 개연성을 생각해 주시길 바랍니다). Considering that my city is already stuffed with buildings and lack parks, I think it is urgent to make more parks to solve the air pollution and make a better atmosphere.
On top of that, parks provide places where citizens can take a rest and get along. For example, this summer, I have been to Moscow and its Goraki park. I was utterly surprised to find out that there were so many citizens of Moscow taking their time at the park. There were people jogging, bicycling, and walking their pets. Children were playing at the fountain and families were having picnics. The area was so big that there were even beach volleyball courts made of sand and places to ride skateboards. By this, it can be shown that if a certain area is provided, many people can rest, play and enjoy their time with their valuable family or friends.
To sum up, by these aforementioned reasons I would like to make more parks and green spaces to my city which are the most necessary things to my hometown.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 22 일단 전체적으로 문법적인 오류들이 많이 보입니다. 특히 첫 번째 단락에서 이러한 부분들이 가장 잘보여져 있습니다. 각 문장들이 무엇을 말하려고 하는 지 모르겠었기 때문에 좀 더 문장에 중점을 두면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 예시로 바로 넘어갔는데. 예시를 서술하는 것 도 좋긴 하지만 좀 더 이유에 대한 설명으로 구체적으로 더 하길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |