▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether students should not be exposed to teachers' opinions on social and political issues in class. This is an intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue can be different depending on the individual perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support that it is more vital for students not to be exposed to teachers' opinions on social and political issues for the following reason. On top of that (첫 번째 이유도 명시 되어 있지 않는데 바로 다음 주제는 이라고 들어가는 것은 적절치 않는 거 같습니다), teachers with a one-sided political view have a negative impact on their students because it hinders students to creatively think and have a variety of views. (뒷 문장에서 구체적으로 설명 할 꺼기 때문에 첫 번째 단락 첫 부분에서 무슨 의견이 나오는지에 대하여서만 설명할 필요가 있습니다) To be specific, teachers should help students to enhance ability to think out of the box and escape in social prejudice (이 부분에서 말하고자 하는 것이 무엇인가요? 이해가 되지 않습니다). As modern society is becoming has become increasingly globalized, today's world requires people with international perspective and open-minded view. Students can do this better by taking courses to teachers with open-minded outlook and focusing on the field of education. To illustrate, Steve Jobs, who is the founder of Apple, made great accomplishments in his life. I read online that he was very successful because he was open-minded and free on political issues. He did this by creatively thinking and acquiring knowledge from teachers with no one-sided social issues. Hence, this shows that students should not be exposed to teacher' opinions on social and political issues in class. In conclusion, I firmly believe that it is disadvantageous for students to be exposed to teachers' thought of social and political issues in class. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reason mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 가장 문제가 되는 것은 단락 첫 부분에서 더 추가하자면 이란 단어가 나왔는데 지금 이 에세이는 한 이유로 설명을 하고 있는 에세이입니다. 따라서 이러한 표현 보다는 to begin with같은 문장들이 필요해 보입니다. 또한 예시가 개연성이 없는 거 같습니다. 스티브 잡스와 선생님의 정치적 견해를 들어도 된다에 대한 구체적인 개연성이 부족한 거 같습니다. 따라서 좀 더 개연성 있는 예시들을 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |