▶ Your Answer : It is debatable whether some people believe that the Earth is being harmed by human activity and others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live whereas other people think differently. This is an intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue can be different depending on the individual perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support that the Earth is being harmed by human activity for the following reasons.
First of all, people abandon waste anywhere and this leads to damage the Earth leading to the destruction of the Earth. To be specific, our products result in waste, which as a result will significantly increase the damage of Earth. This is directly correlated the devastation of the Earth, which is the foundation of our economies and societies (너무 불필요하게 많이 which를 계속 해서 서술하고 있는 거 같습니다). For instance, according to a study done by the Korea Times, it revealed that people today do not consider to abandon trash anywhere because they are busy (뭔가 내용이 부족합니다 좀 더 설득력 있게 서술하시길 바랍니다).
In addition, people use a lot of energy sources and this will suffer energy crisis lavish important energy source. Therefore, we reduce the energy sources to preserve the Earth, which as a result will save our Earth and our energy sources. Facing today's energy crisis, we need to utilize energy sources optimally in order to improve people's standards of living. All avenue need needs (avenue는 단수 주어입니다) to be explored to increase the usage of renewable energy sources, decrease the use of fossil, and avoid wasting our scarce resources. For instance, according to a study done by the Korea Times, it revealed that the use of energy source leads to the demolish of the Earth.
In conclusion, i firmly believe that people's activities give negative effect to the Earth. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
점수: 23 일단 지금 이 에세이는 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 존재하고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 오류는 너무 which절을 남발하면서 서술합니다. 이러한 부분은 에세이로 하여금 장황하게 만듭니다. 에세이가 장황하게 되다 보면 본질이 흐려지게 됩니다. 두 번째 부분은 예시의 내용이 부족합니다. 내용이 부족하기 때문에 예시의 중요성을 모르겠습니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |