▶ Your Answer :
Those who disagree might say that people pay
enough attention to the larger things (어떤 주제에 대하여서 반대한다고 하는 것인가요? 주제 대상이 모호합니다). However, in my opinion, nowadays people
are too focusing on less important matters to be able to gain valuable things.
One reason is that their priority in lifestyle is convenience. Another reason
is that they tend to extremely consider other’s views focus too much on less important matters for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, in this hectic world, a lot
of people fail to have a healthy diet since they want to work fast (이유를 선정할 때는 간결하게 서술하시길 바랍니다). To save
time, most workers do not eat nutritious home-made food which requires
relatively a longtime preparation taking a lot of time to prepare. Instead, their first choice is almost the fast
which is too fatty and salty or sweet or so convenient their choice is based on fast food which can be made in little amount of time. For example, there was
a survey conducted by government’s health department, with 200 workers as
respondents. The purpose of the survey was to find out the reason of the high
obesity rate among them. An overwhelming 85% responded that they ear prepared
food at least twice a day due to their busy schedule although they know it is
not helpful to stay fit. This survey proves that the pursuit of a convenient
life leads people to get a health problem.
On the top of that, young people have more
interest in their appearance than inner growth as they are too much conscious
of others. To be specific, while they spend a lot of energy to look good, they
do not take time to be a good person for reading. As a result, they lose
opportunities to fill a brain with knowledge and wisdom learn knowledge. For instance, I will talk
about my cousin and his friend to elucidate my point. In the case of my cousin,
he is interested in the thing he could do to make him mature. Unlike my cousin,
his friend never reads any books (이 예시와 주제가 무슨 상관이 있는지 모르겠습니다). She wastes time on shopping clothes to be
attractive and does not study at all. After university graduation, she does not
succeed in getting a job due to lack of a basic knowledge. However, my cousin
always tries to acquire diverse information and expert knowledge to be a judge.
Thanks to his attitude focusing on his goal, he achieves his dream. This shows
how important it is to concentrate on what makes our life improved.
In conclusion, health can be disregarded by
people who stick to easy life. Also, the chances for self-development are not
given when people seek only their external beauty. With those reasons, I agree
with the claim that people cannot see more critical matters owing to too much
attention on small things.
점수: 22 이 에세이를 읽어 가면서 느낀점은 첫 번째 단락이나 두 번째 단락 주제를 벗어났다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 주제를 벗어났다라는 것을 느낀 가장 큰 이유는 전체적으로 설명이 모호하고 주제를 따라가지 않는 거 같습니다. 구체적으로 서술되어 있지도 않고요. 따라서 에세이를 서술할 때에 주제에 중점을 두면서 주제를 벗어나지 않게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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