▶ Your Answer : Nowadays, sports undoubtedly play a pivotal role in the twenty first century, thanks to the contributions of some of the great minds in history (필요가 없는 문장인거 같습니다). Many individuals conceive that universities don't do not (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) have to spend as much money on sports as they do on libraries. However, in my eyes, universities should spend as much financial supports on sports as they do on libraries because doing so has many positive and beneficial ramifications. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, many people would agree with the notion that sports play an important role in enhancing people's health sports play pivotal rule in enhancing people's health. This really rings true to me since I often heard that it is beneficial for students or business men to work out frequently during studying at school or working at company It is often stated that for businessmen and students, jogging or simple exercise is good for health. If universities support for public gym or playground, many students will get interested in health care. According to the research conducted by Seoul National University, students who exercised everyday were far healthier and got higher grade that those did not exercise and studied only. To be specific, people who worked out every lunch time concentrated well because dynamic activities made their blood floor smooth. Additionally, although students who didn't work out complemented their lack of sleeping time on weekend, exercising students could study harder on weekend without any sick or lack of concentration.
Furthermore, sports can make students more cooperative, which is a widely accepted fact in contemporary society. This is due to the fact that many Many (설명을 할 때에서는 this is due to the fact~같은 표현은 적절치 않습니다) sports need teamwork (이유에 대한 구체적 설명이 너무 적은 상태로 예시로 넘어가는 거 같습니다). For instance, my university held event named Inje Cup, which is similar to World Cup. It means that all universities disciplines which had over 11 participants can play soccer game with others. I participated this competition with many seniors, friends and even freshmen. We took practice soccer and trained our health 2 month ago than the actual game and we eventually won the game. Thanks to this these (activities는 복수 명사 입니다) activities, i and all participants in my deciplines could make our relationship harder than the past. all teammate could build good relationship.
To sum up, yes, many people may think that universities don't need to support money on sports than libraries. On the contrary, sports had many benefits as 2 aspects of health and cooperation. Therefore, I firmly stand by my position that it is necessary for universities to spend as much money on sports as they do on libraries.
점수: 22 일단 각 단락들이 서로 문제를 가지고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 어색한 표현들이 너무 많습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 전반적인 에세이 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분을 보시면서 주의하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째는 두 번째 단락에서 이유에 대한 설명이 구체화 되지 않은체 바로 예시로 넘어 갔습니다. 좀 더 이유를 더 설명하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
382 words |