▶ Your Answer : Various opinions may exist over the argument arguement that the more money a person has, the more he or she should give away to charities. As far as I am concerned, I disagree with the argument. The two ideas below stated can be valid evidence to prove my point. >space To begin with, instead of using my money to charities chairties, spending my money for myself and friends shows outstanding outstandign effectiveness in increasing incresaing my social skills because I can have a good time with them. Modern society admittedly requires people who surpass others both in sociability sociabiliy and specialty. To be specific, interpersonal relationships and social skills are necessary qualifications for any successful suceessful person. Given the need for collaboration, investing my money to friends freinds is more vital than using it for to charities in building more promising promisng future. According to an anonymous research conducted by Seoul National University of Korea, most of the respondents answered that they were significantly significantyl helped by using their money for enjoying time with their friends. freinds. If it had not been for spending their money for the purpose of having fun time with their friends freinds, they might have had difficulties in maintaining their social network. For theses reasons, the given topic is untrue. >space Moreover, people can find emotional relief by stacking their money since money is the necessary factor of maintaining maintaing people’s life and it gives a lot of easiness to them. Today, many people are weary with too much stress because of money. Therefore, by accumulating their property, their feelings can be comfortable and relaxed. In this respect, not spending money on charity such as orphan orphanage or hospital is a great means of relieving their stress stess. My personal experience can be used to prove this point. Every morning, I have to get through traffic congestion to go to work and read through countless texts. To make matters worse, I get exhausted exhuasted coping with my bosses and subordinates. Hence, as a way to relieve my stress, I regularly stock my money to banks to prepare my future. By doing that, my tensions can be alleviated and I gain breathing space. Thus, giving away money to bank accounts instead of charities is advantageous for people. >space Explicitly and logically elaborated above, I am in disagreement with the argument.
Comment :
'돈이 많을수록'이라는 전제사항이 있는만큼 돈을 더 많이 번다고 해서 기부할 필요가 없다는 뉘앙스를 잘 살린 답변이 되면 좋을 것 같습니다. 지금 답안도 주제를 완전히 벗어나지는 않지만, 외운 내용을 억지로 연결한다는 느낌이 드는 부분들이 조금 아쉽습니다. 다양한 주제에 다양한 모델에세이 응용 연습을 하시면서 실전에서 어떤 주제가 나와도 주제에 잘 부합하는 형태로 응용할 수 있게 대비하시면 좋을 것 같아요. 오탈자가 너무 많으니 유의해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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