▶ Your Answer : Some people think that when busy parents do not have a lot of time to spend with their children, it is best to use that time doing things together that are related to schoolwork. However, I personally disagree with them because I believe that it is better for both the parents and children to use get the time to have fun playing games or sports for two subsequent reasons. First, having fun playing games or sports can give the parents a chance to be friendly with their children. Second, it can help both the parents and the children to relieve stress.
To begin with, the parents can be more closely with their children when they enjoy something. To be specific, the busy parents do not have time to get together with their children and to have fun, which makes two of them not be friendly. However, if the parents try tries to spend get time playing games or sports with their children, they the children can feel happy and think they are taken care of from their parents. For instance, after I became become a father, I could not have really have not had time with my son because I was always busy running in order to work own my own business. Someday One day, I realized that I and my son were are not friendly, so I tried to play video games with my son. This led leaded us to get an opportunity to be more intimate. intemetive together.
On top of that, having a good time with the children can assist both the parents and the children to relieve stress. To explain, both the parents and the children may be under pressure by from work or study. Therefore, it is very important that both have time to have fun without any concern. For example, when I was a young boy, I got stressed out because of my study. So I did not want to go to school. At that time, my parents found my situation and they spent time with me while playing games. As a result, I could be free from my stress and studied harder than before.
To sum up, playing with children can help parents to be a good friends and to relieve stress together. In this regard, I strongly believe that having fun together parents and children is more important for parents than doing study with them.
Comment : 아이들의 학업을 도와주기보다는 같이 놀아주는 편이 스트레스해소와 친밀감 측면에서 더 좋다는 주장을 잘 생각해주신 것 같아요. 설명을 더 보완해서 왜 그것이 중요하고 학업을 돕는 것보다 가치있는지를 강조하는 내용을 넣어주는 것도 설득력을 높이는 데 도움이 될 것 같아요. 문법오류, 오탈자가 좀 있는 편이니 이 부분 꼼꼼하게 봐주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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