▶ Your Answer :
There might some people who believe that television has greater influence on human society than the Internet does. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons. First, the Internet allows people to have selective information. Second, it Internet helps people to communicate easily.
To begin with, people has had selective information through the Internet.selective라는 단어는 '선택적인, 선별된'의 의미이기 때문에 지금 맥락에서는 맞지 않습니다. 사람들이 정보를 접하는 데 좀 더 큰 영향을 미친다는 점을 드러낼 수 있는 단어로 수정해주세요. To be specific, Wwhile television offers information in fixed schedule, the Internet gives information people whenever they want. It is easier for people to search their needs through just turning on their computer. Let me bring up my personal story as an example, when I was in high school, I would have liked to watch a math lecture letter for covering school subject in spare time. Event though educational programs in of television offered the classes, Iit was hard for me to take those these since they were these are available in the early evening night time but my school always ended up irregularly. However, thanks to the Internet which is available anytime , I could finish to watching these lectures. If the Internet had not existed computer were not in my high school years era, I would not have achieved great grades from computer lecture.
Seconds , the means of communication has been developed by the Internet. What I mean is that developed Internet reduces the communication transmission time between people. Although television helps people entertained in their free time, the Internet allows people to treat work efficiently in society social aspect. 커뮤니케이션이 더 쉬워졌다는 내용과 상관 없는 설명입니다. 문단의 요지를 뒷받침하는 내용으로 수정해주세요. According to a study done by Society Improvement Institute(SII), with the developed Internet, Iindustry has reached double profits supplements due to speedy communication through the Internet. Also, double profits supplements led to affected the whole wholesome society such as economy economic, education, and even the environment. It clearly shows that developments of the Internet affects society more than those of television. 커뮤니케이션이 인터넷을 통해서 어떻게 용이해졌는지, 커뮤니케이션이 더 쉬워진 것과 산업 발전이 무슨 관련이 있는지를 좀 더 구체적으로 설명해주세요. 현재는 설명 내용이 너무 모호합니다.
In this regard, the Internet develops have has more strong influence not only on industry Industry aspect, but also on education. In conclusion, television has less weaker influence on human society than the Internet does.
Comment :
글에서 주장하고자 하는 내용을 명확한 두 가지로 고정해주세요. 앞부분에서는 소통이 원활해지고 정보를 쉽게 얻을 수 있어서 좋다는 내용으로 글을 시작했는데, 결론부에서는 산업과 교육에 영향을 많이 미쳤다는 내용으로 흐름이 바뀌어 있기 때문에 글의 일관성이 떨어집니다. 정보, 소통, 산업발전, 교육발전 네 가지 모두 좋은 주장이니 두 가지를 정해서 본론에서 구체적인 설명과 함께 명확한 내용 전달이 가능하도록 정돈해서 답안을 만들어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 한 문단 안에는 한 가지 주장만 설명해서 요지를 분명히 해 주는 것이 점수에 유리합니다. 수일치와 시제일치, 대소문자 사용 관련한 문법오류가 많은 편이니 작성시에 유의해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |