▶ Your Answer :
If you are a salesman, the number of products you sold that day would show your performance of that day. However, for some jobs, it is not easy to determine the performance; there are very few ways as a clear criterion to see how good a teacher is at his or her job. In my opinion, I strongly agree with the idea that a teacher’s income should be based on his or her students’ achievements.
To begin with, a primary duty of a teacher is to deliver his or her knowledge to students. Therefore, teachers should concentrate on their classes most so that their students can learn well from them. Since there are no rewarding or disadvantages according to their students’ performances, it is not necessary for teachers to teach very hard all the time. In this sense, I think if teachers’ earning is based on students’ performance, a quality of class would get much better. In other words, students can benefit from better education. For example, when I was in high school, my math teacher was a very old man, and it was obvious that he was not so much eager to teach his students. Thus, he barely prepared for his classes. I bet his lecture must have been exactly the same as the one he offered for students 10 years before that time. As a result, a lot of students in my class gave up math because of him. Needless to say, the performance of my class was very poor. + 학생들의 성적을 바탕으로 급여가 책정되는 학원 등의 경우 학생들의 성적이 어떻게 향상되었는지 등의 설명을 추가로 적으면 더욱 논리 속 빈틈이 줄어들게 됩니다.
On top of that, it is a similar system as a piecework or an incentive that has been used in many other companies and has turned out to be effective. Students’ performance can be a good tool to assess teacher’s ability of teaching. This system can motivate teachers. At first, it does not seem to be right that teachers teach better to make more money. However, whatever their motivations are, it would bring a positive result for both teachers and students. From my personal experiences, when I was in my last year of high school, I took extra courses from private institution after school. As far as I remember, teachers’ earning there was actually determined by their students’ test scores. There were numerous private institutions at that time, and they tried their best to attract more students by using a phrase such as ‘you can raise your score very quickly from education here!.’ Surprisingly, it worked quite well. I believe that teachers’ passion resulted in an education of better quality. (별도의 reason과 example이 아닌 앞서 작성한 이유/내용의 연장선상처럼 보일 수 있습니다.)
Some people say that teacher’s personality or close relationship with students are more important. However, we are living in a world that one’s ability is considered as the most important factor. In this regard, I am in favor of this system, which both teachers and students can benefit.
각 paragraph에서 주장하는 주제를 뒷받침하는 이유를 clear하게 작성해주세요. 현재 읽은 내용으로는 일부 content가 overlap됩니다 (학생의 learning을 효율적으로 만든다는 paragraph에서는 해당 내용에 focus를 맞추어 주시고 그 외 별개의 이유를 분리된 paragraph에 작성해야 합니다. 예 - 급여가 학생들의 퍼포먼스에 따라 결정될 경우 "학생들에게 더욱 많이 신경을 쓸 수 있다"는 이유를 문단 앞 부분에서 언급)
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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FAIR
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FAIR
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GOOD
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GOOD
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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