▶ Your Answer : Most of people have their own communities. Some people are organize their communities whether while other people some do not pay attention on to their community. Some people might contends that only few young people are not helping their communities due to their busy life. Although this reason, However, I firmly disagree with this statement. There are two compelling reasons for my argument.
First, most of high schools require community service hour to the students in order to graduate for graduation high school. For instance, when I was a high school student students I had to have at least fifteen hours of community service per year. During the vacation, my friends and I always went to somewhere to fill my our community service hours. Even though young people do not want to help their community, they have to help the community.
Second, all schools and college have clubs to help their communities. In these clubs, people are not only helping their communities but also building relationship between community members or other students. These clubs are beneficial for the new students. To be more specific, In my case, I used to moved to a different city due to my parents' work. In order to adjust to the new community, I joined clubs in school such as a environmental club. I did beach-cleaning up project in the club. By this project, I could get some information of my community. 젊은이들이 커뮤니티를 돕는 데 충분히 시간을 쓴다는 데 초점이 가 있는 것이 아니라 내가 지역봉사활동을 통해 도움을 받았던 사례를 이야기하고 있으므로 논점이 맞지 않습니다.
Third, it gets easier to for the young volunteer for the volunteering our community than the past. In the past, people only could help their community if they heard hear from someone or go somewhere. However, by developing technologies, people can find who needs help in their community by through the internet nowadays. To give details on this, once needed people in need post information about volunteering in their community people can sign up for it. It is easy to find available community service opportunity.
In summary, a lot of young people are helping their community due to requirement of their school, different kinds of clubs and development of technology. By considering all these reasons, I indeed disagree with the statement proposed.
Comment :
학교 프로그램의 요구나 인터넷 정보 등을 통해 지역사회에 공헌할 수 있는 기회가 많다는 점을 주장으로 활용한 부분이 좋습니다. 다만 실질적으로 젊은이들이 지역사회에 공헌하는 데 시간을 많이 쓴다는 결론으로 연결해야 하기 때문에 본론2나 본론3처럼 '도움이 되니까 한다'라거나 '얼마든지 자원봉사 기회에 대한 정보를 찾을 수 있다'라는 주장만 제시하는 것은 답변으로 부족할 수 있어요. 주제와의 연관성을 더 높이는 방향으로 내용을 수정&보완해주세요. 품사 사용 오류가 많은 편이니 정확한 작문도 더 신경써주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5
An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following :
- Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details
(일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함)
- Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured
(문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남)
- May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning
(문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)