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Title - With the help of the internet, students can learn more effectively
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Various opinions may exsit over the argument that whether with the help of the internet, students can learn more effectively. As far as I am concerned, I am completely agree with agreement of the argument. The two reasons stated below can be valid evidence to support my view.
To begin with, Iit is effective for students to study. 표현이 너무 애매합니다. 더 구체적으로 표현해주세요. 시간절약이 가능해서 더 효과적인 학습을 도와준다, 하는 식으로 '왜 좋다는 것인지'가 보다 명료하게 드러나야 합니다. What Ii mean is that theses days, the internet was has been developed by the smart society. Thus Iif students want to study about their deficient deficent subjects, they can watch the internet lecture anywhere and anytime. To give you an idea, here is an example from my middle school days. At the time, economic ability of my family was too low. So I could not go to the private educational institute because Iit was too expensive and it was placed far from my house. But thankfully, my friend told me an online internet lecture site which was cheaper than study attending academy. So I could take the internet classes what I i wanted to watch and I could gain learn a lot of ways how to solve the questions. quesions. Thanks to this, I could enhance my mathematics mathmatics skills and get a good grade garde on final exam. As seen this example, Iit seems more useful to students to use the internet. 한 문단 안에 내용이 너무 많습니다. 한 가지 요지를 명확하게 보여줄 수 있도록 정돈해주세요.
Also, the Internet can help to develop grow up the students' student’s hobby skiils. To speak in more detail, there are much information many informations such as learning the learnig guitar, piano and how to kick kicking the ball in football, etc. So they can acquire data on what they want to know. For instance, Wwhen Ii was a high school student, I had a friend. He could play the guitar very well. So Ii asked him how can you he could play so well. and He said me that he wanted to learn the guitar when he was young. But he did not have the money to enroll the guitar school. So he searched some internet lectures of guitar on Youtube. the youtube. There were plenty of videos. He kept practicing everywhere such as school, house and park. After 7 months, later Hhe could play the guitar very well and now he is working as a guitarist. guitarlist효과적으로 배울 수 있다는 입장이므로 '왜' 인터넷으로 효과적인 학습이 가능해졌는지를 설명해주어야 하는데, 현재 내용은 인터넷을 통해 다른 취미를 발전시키거나 재능을 키울 수 있다는 내용을 제시하고 있으므로 논점이 맞지 않습니다.
To sum up, using the internet can give help students to develop their future. In this regard, I firmly firmley believe belive that students can get advantages by using help of the internet.
Comment : 문장의 문법, 단어 사용 면에서 오류가 많아 아직 전달력이 많이 약하다는 점이 가장 아쉽습니다. 내용 면에서도 한 문단 안에서는 한 가지 요지만 명확히 드러낼 수 있도록 정리가 필요해요. 주제는 인터넷이 학습을 돕는지 묻고 있으므로 '학습'에 초점이 가야 합니다. 학생들의 취미 발견이나 개발 등은 주제와 관련이 없으므로 다른 주장이 필요합니다. 정확한 문장 구사와 주제에 맞는 내용에 초점을 두고 천천히 연습해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - A noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms (부적절한 단어 또는 형태의 사용) - An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류)
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