▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that life becomes more
comfortable than the past. And there are also others who say that life becomes
much more difficult than the past. In my opinion, it seems that life of our
generation is much more comfortable than that of our predecessor in personal
life and also in public life. for the following two subsequent reasons.
First of all, our daily life has became
more appreciable than the past. For instance, people can do a variety of
household chores with different types of machines such as electronic iron,
washing machine, or vacuum cleaner, which did not exist in the past. Those equipment reduce our labor and time which was supposed to spent to do those
chores. And this advance in technology also led us to have a free time, when
people can dedicate themselves into what they love. With those advent of house
electronics, we can have more enjoyable life than that of our ancestor.
Also the public life has became more manageable
than the past Furthermore, public has become more manageable. There is no longer a labor-demanded work in industry, since
there are technologies which made us free from risk of injuries; nowadays there
are robot workers, for example, under the harsh working condition, which was
covered by the human in the past. Even if the given task is same as the past,
the revolution of technology has changed our working environment and this
improved the quality of life. If we want to duplicate a document, what we can
do today is just go to a copy machine and press the button. However, it was not
an easy task to be completed in the past since someone had to do a exactly same
handwriting.
In short, people's life has been revolutionized
to have much more physical comfort than the past. And that was possible due to
the revolution of technology, which gave human a lot of possibility to escape
from what we had to do in the past.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 지금 이 에세이에서의 문제점은 불필요한 which와 that절이 너무 많이 등장합니다. 이러한 불필요한 절들은 에세이로 하여금 장황스럽게 만듭니다. 에세이가 장황하게 되다보면 전반적으로 에세이 플로우가 방해되기 때문에 이 부분들을 주의하면서 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 본인의 이유에 대한 구체적인 설명이 너무 부족합니다. 설명이 부족하기 때문에 무슨 말을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 잘 모르겟습니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적으로 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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