▶ Your Answer :
It is no exaggeration to say that modern people get
flooded by information from new media every single day. So there might be some
people who think that information produced in news media is clean and impartial.
In my opinion, however, I strongly believe that the news media might be biased toward
some groups for the sake of them for the following two subsequent reasons which
I am going to elaborate on (이 부분은 구어체로 만들기 때문에 적절치가 않습니다).
To begin with, one of the reasons why I think this way
is that the biggest money source for the news media is sponsored dollars by
some groups such as big conglomerates media is often sponsored by big conglomerates (이유 부분은 간결하게 one of the reasons why I~는 장황할 뿐만 아니라 너무 구어체 스러움). To be specific, the jobs of news media
at broadcasts spreads information and some specific groups such as huge companies
want it to scatter friendly information to them the purpose of news media is to spread information but during the process big companies involve to bring positive image (이 것을 말하려고 한 건가요?). Thus they provide money for
it, and it broadcasts partial information toward them in return. For instance,
the company that I work for has a department, which is about dealing with mass
media (이 부분은 왜 언급이 되었는 지 모르겠습니다). The main works of it is to make strong relationship with the broadcasts
to let them produce better information for them. For this reason, based on my
work experience, it is evident that the news media does not produce trustworthy
information.
On top of that, there is no question that government gives
a big pressure on the news media government can implement big pressure. To put it succinct, the news media cannot provide impartial
information under its pressure in general. For the most part, the government takes
advantage of mass media as a tool for brainwashing civilian for the sake of it to brainwash civilian for their sake.
Therefore, it is not easy to find some people who stand up to the government.
To elaborate in detail, I was able to meet a guy named
Mr.Lee and was told a story accidentally. He worked for one of the biggest broadcast
companies and he disclosed that the current government forced the broadcast to
air false wrong (wrong이 이 상황에서는 더 적합합니다) information. It was a big shock in Korea at the time, which taught me
how the government makes the best use of news as a weapon to control people as government used force to distort the wrong information.
To sum up, taking all things into consideration, the
news media cannot be impartial sometimes. In this sense, I am of the firm
opinion that the news media is not a reliable source of trustworthy
information. (여기서 이유 두 개 또한 말해주시길 바랍니다)
점수: 23 일단 첫 번째 단락이나 인트로를 보시면 너무 구어체로 에세이를 서술하고 있다라는 느낌을 많이 받습니다. 이러한 부분은 독립형 에세이에서는 좋지 않습니다. 또한 첫 번째 단락이나 두 번째 단락 모두 어색한 표현들이 많은데 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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