▶ Your Answer : These days, there is a debate concerning about with (전치사 활용을 잘 못 했습니다) whether it is sometimes acceptable to infringe upon people's freedom. And However, in my opinion, I truly believe that being acceptable to infringe kinds of personal freedom must be really dangerous in the society for the following two sequent reasons. infringing upon people's freedom brings about dangerous effect to the society for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, to be acceptable to infringe the individual freedom can affect lots of social members negatively limitation of freedom affects negatively on society (개인의 자유를 위반한다를 똑같은 표현 말고 다른 표현으로 서술하시길 바랍니다). According to my little brother, John always argues that all members are filling feel uncomfortable and angry because of Jack, his dance club's leader. Even though almost every member wanted to choose the pop songs for dancing performance, the leader just leads members to choose the other kinds of songs because he dislikes the pop songs chose songs based on his preferences. In this situation, we can determine that to infringe the freedom, such as being free to choose the song can be affect lots of people to feel bad and unsatisfied. infringing the freedom makes people feel bad and unsatisfied. On top of that, being allowed to infringe individual freedom can cause the situation that one person exploits people in the specific groups to get his or her own profit people might exploit others to earn higher profit. infringing the freedom means that people cannot express the personal opinions and they just follow someone due to lacking of their freedom following rules set by strong person. In this situation, a specific member, such as a leader in the company or a person who are the strongest member in the group can control people to get the profit. And also, a lot of people already experienced the situation that the strongest leader just uses their members through exploiting their results of tasks to get much money utilizes exploited member to earn profit. According to the professors from Tokyo university, they said eighty-two percentages of people who are working in the company have felt uncomfortable because of the situation infringing their freedom. feel uncomfortable when infringement is activated. Lastly, To conclude (결론은 이 표현이 옳습니다 lastly는 세 번째 이유가 나오는 거 같습니다) taking all these points into the account, I already have raised that being allowed to infringe upon people's freedom can cause the negative effects to many members in the society, and also, it can cause the specific situation that one person exploits people for the profit. This does not mean that I completely ignore the advantages of being acceptable to infringe the personal freedom, but the disadvantages are too severe to consider its merits. So, I want to say that being acceptable to infringe upon people's freedom is not great for the society.
점수: 22 일단 단도직입적으로 말하자면 결론이 너무 깁니다. 결론이 하는 역활은 전체적으로 에세이를 마무리하는 것 입니다. 지금 같은 경우에서는 결론이 너무 장황하게 서술한 거 같습니다. 전체적인 내용에 있어서는 잘 서술된 독립형 에세이인데 너무 어색한 표현들이 많습니다 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |