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Some people think that there are many disadvantages in moving to a new city or country (새로운 곳으로 이동한다 에서 문제가 생긴다고 하는 것보다는 새로운 곳을 이동하면서 친구들을 잃을 수 도 있다고 설명하는게 좋습니다). However, in my opinion, we do not have to lose our old friends when we moves to a new place. It can be said that there are many ways to keep our old friends although we have to move far from hometown. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유에 대한 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 인트로에서는 장황하게 설명할 필요가 없습니다)
To begin with, there are many kinds of Instant Message Services (IMS), and we can choose one of them to keep connection with old friends or hometown friends current technology development of instant message service allows people to contact with others from different region. Although there are many solutions for disconnecting to disconnect between old friends such as phone call, e-mail, posts. But nothing is better and faster than IMS Nothing can be compared with IMS (비교 글이 아니기 때문에 but을 사용할 필요가 없습니다). For example, in South Korea, IMS named KakaoTalk is dominance application in both Google and Apple App store in South Korea, and most of communication are based on this IMS (IMS에 대한 구체적인 설명이 필요할 거 같아요 이 기기가 정확하게 무엇을 하고 있는지에 대한). It charges no money to users and carry not only texts but also pictures, videos, voices and even cash. As we can see in this example of South Korea, profer IMS is good way to solve the problem of disconnection between we us and our old friends when we move to a new city or country.
On top of that, different from past, we have many Social Network Services (SNS) like Instargram, Facebook, Twitter, VK etc, and they can be steady connection between me and my old friends (지금 말하고자 하는 이유는 앞 단락과 반복된다는 느낌이 많이 듭니다) According to Pf. Sung, who is distinguishing professor in Korea Advanced Institute of Science and Technology (KAIST), over 88.6% of students in college who are studying far from there hometown do not feel isolation isolated from their hometown friends because of SNS. It shows how SNS can be strong connection among their hometown friends or old friends. Because of many Social Network Services, most of the people that moved to a new city or country from their hometown don’t feel they lost their old friends.
In conclusion, there are several well-known ways to solve the problem of disconnection between old friends in our hometown on Internet such as Instant Message Services and Social Network Services. Therefore, I disagree that it is not bad idea to move to new city or country because we lose our old friends.
점수: 21 일단 가장 먼저 지적하고 싶은 것은 첫 번째 단락이나 두 번째 단락 모두 동일합니다. 말만 조금 다르게 했을 뿐이지 지금 이 이유들은 똑같습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 좋은 점수를 받기 위해서는 반복되는 이유는 좋치 않습니다. 또한 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우에는 이론에 대한 구체적인 설명이 꼭 필요해 보입니다. 설명이 없기 때문에 이것을 통하여서 무엇을 말하고 자 하는 건지 모르겠습니다. 제가 말하는 것을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
총 363단어
도와주셔서 감사합니다. |