▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, children can meet TV programs or
movies more easier. From social media like youtube, children can watch programs
which they missed. This is the reason the environment of children can see
programs. (이 부분을 통하여서 무슨 말을 하려고 하는 것인가요?)
Of course, some people have
really negative views in this appearance. They are worried about children
aggressive becoming aggressive. They can't cannot (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) recognize realistic and fantasy. So they can hurt someone. And child still
growing now, so what they learn is really important to their life.(어디가 인트로 부분인 가요? 각 단락이 무엇을 말하려고 하는 지 모르겠습니다)
But, I think it has more positive effect However, TV has more positive effect.
First, they can more friendly because they share common interests become more friendly as they share common interest. Actually,
people want to be one of member in group. It contains children (이 부분을 통해서 하고자 하는 말이 무엇인가요?). So if they talk
about their interest and if that is same, their relation will more closely. relationship will become more closed
For instance, if they watch famous drama
program like 'My ID is artificial Beauty women' and go to school, many
schoolmates are talking about that drama. Main character boy or girl, story of
drama, background of drama, clothes which one of the character was wear,
cosmetics, hair style, etc… They can share lots of conversations in just one
program. And it makes them feel more close to each other. (전체적으로 처음 부터 끝까지 설명이 너무 빈약합니다)
Next, they can follow trend. These days, most of children are sensitive
with trend. They think if they don't follow, they far from friends in inner.
They want to blend with
friends. So they watch TV programs and catch the trend. (이 부분을 통해서 전달하고자 하는 것이 무엇인가요?)
For example, Suji use MAC lipstick in drama.
After that point, it called 'Suji lipstick' and all of that item was sold out.
Many people love that cosmetic. So other company mimicry that color of lipstick
more cheaper. That was famous in teenagers. After a minute, that was sold out,
too!
If they watch program under the control, it
has many positive ways. So I think it is also parents role is important.
Anyway, child want follow trend, and this is reason to be friendly with friends
and you know, child's world is friend in that age so my opinion is fine for
watch programs.
점수: 19 전체적으로 인트로에서 결론까지 정리가 아주 안되어있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 일단 정리도 정리지만 전체적으로 이 에세이를 통해서 무슨 말을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 파악이 되지 않습니다. 무엇이 인트로인지도 모르겠고 각 단락에서는 어떤 의미를 내포하는 지 모르겠습니다. 따라서 좀 더 구조에 알맞게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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