■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic :
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Volunteer work should be mandatory for college students. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. |
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▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that volunteer work don’t have to be duty for college students volunteer work should not be mandatory for college students. However, in my opinion, it is essential to regard volunteer work as a responsibility of students for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, students can learn more about the community where they live. They can understand their town and communities who live nearby them. (이유에 대한 설명이 많이 부족한 거 같습니다. 바로 예시로 넘어 가려는 것 보다는 좀 더 설명을 더 하는게 좋을 거 같습니다) For example, I studied far from my hometown and I don’t do not (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) have really much time to interact with village people nearby. But after doing volunteer work in village hall for several days, most of them greeted me with smile when I visited their shop and restaurant. It can seem to be very small thing, but actually it is huge movement for me. After I returned to my hometown, and I did volunteer work again in hospital. I really enjoy being friends with village people to understand my town and community. This experience shows that volunteer work (especially in a public) leads us to understand more about the community and country.
On top of that, volunteer job leads student to learn the meaning of helping others in general. Most of the volunteer work that college students can do is helping other people in public services such as big hospital, city hall, nursing home (for old people), and orphanage in their town. According to Chung Ang Il bo, which is the famous newspaper in South Korea, 77.6% of the students who volunteered in public service felt pleasure that they helped someone else who are not able to live without assistance and proud of themselves for their jobs.
In conclusion, learning about their community and town and finding the meaning of helping others are the most beneficial factors for students to do volunteer jobs, and therefore college have to make volunteer work mandatory.
점수: 26 잘 서술하였습니다. 하지만 부족한 부분이 한 부분이 있는데 바로 첫 번째 단락 앞 부분입니다. 첫 번째 단락에서는 바로 예시로 넘어간 경향이 있는데. 바로 예시로 넘어가는 것 보다는 이유에 대한 설명을 더 하는 것이 좋은 점수를 받는데에 있어 좋은 거 같습니다. 이러한 부분 이외에는 크게 문제가 되는 부분이 없는 독립형 에세이입니다. 수고많으셨습니다. 300단어 |
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첨삭해주신 부분들을 참조하여 작성했습니다. 같은 말을 반복하는걸 줄여보고, 설명을 늘렸습니다. 모든 서술은 삼인칭 주어로 작성했습니다. 부족한 점이나 잘못된 점이 있다면 날카롭게 지적해주세요. 늘 감사합니다.