▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether the most effective
way for a nation to develop is to ameliorate its schools. In my opinion, I
agree with the statement that improving schools is the most effective measure
for a country’s development because of the following two reasons. I personally think in order to progress country should develop school for the following two subsequent reasons.
First
of all, improving schools of a nation will make students to develop their
professional skills and knowledges students' professional skill and knowledge can be developed. Many of the students will become more
professional due to the improved education of the schools with the enhanced school education. Improved quality of
the programs and faculties will further benefit the students’ study, and make
them more well-equipped as experts in their fields (어떤 순간에서 학생에게 장점을 가져다 주는지에 대한 것도 구체적으로 설명할 필요가 있어 보입니다). For example, dietitians and
surgeons are the important experts needed for the well-being of the society.
They work for the betterment (이 단어가 말하려고 하는 것은 무엇인가요?) of the health of the citizens which is a crucial
factor of the progress of the society. Therefore, if schools are able to
provide provide high quality education to students from which they become much more
competent experts, they will contribute to the progress of the society. (사회에 공헌을 할 것이라고 했는데 어는 부분으로 또 어떻게 하는지를 설명할 필요가 있어 보입니다)
On
top of that, the improvement of schools will allow students to confront the
issues or problems of the society with various perspectives. If the schools are
improved, the quality of classes will improve as well. The high quality of
classes will provide students with active interaction with their faculty members
and peers, which results in active exchanges of ideas and thoughts. With this
experience, students will examine the issues or problems of their companies or academics
with various and creative approaches, thereby, contributing to the burgeon of
the society. A study was conducted by UNESCO to determine whether high quality
university education affect affects the high contribution of the graduates to the society.
The researchers monitored the 5000 of the university graduates over a 10-year
period. It turned out that the graduates who received high quality education considered
to have a great impact in their workplaces, contributing the progress in their
fields.
In
brief, the improvement of schools will result in students’ strong professionalism
and creative ideas. In this regard, I argue that the most effective method for
a nation to burgeon is to invest in producing competent professionals by
improving its schools.
점수: 22 일단 두 번째 단락은 크게 문제가 없습니다. 설명에 있어서 약간의 불필요한 문장들이 있긴 하엿지만 전반적으로 자신이 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 잘 보여주는 거 같습니다. 하지만 이와 반대로 첫 번째 단락은 구체적인 설명이 꼭 필요로하는 것이 많아 보이는 부분들이 있습니다. 영향과 결과가 나와야하는데 영향만 서술한 경향이 많습니다. 이러한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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